Motley to Introduce New Sustainability Plan For Spring Semester

Yesterday, the Motley unveiled their new plans to integrate several eco-friendly practices. This plan is to be implemented completely by February 2019, and has received praise from several notable leaders in the environmental justice community including the Environmental Defense Fund, the Citizens Climate Lobby, and that group of Pitzer juniors smoking by the clock tower.

The proposal starts with a change in reusable cup discount policies. In addition to the current reusable cup discount, the Motley will also offer a $1.00 Diva Cup discount. Many Scripps students speculate that this move was not initiated by the Motley managers, but rather Scripps administration in attempt to meet their ‘white feminist quota’ for the year.

The next aspect of the plan aims to attack the drinks themselves. In the past, the Motley on average used 500 gallons of water a day making drinks for students who struggled with getting to their 9 AMs the morning after TNC, but not anymore! During finals season, baristas will harvest the tears of all patrons utilizing the study space for their lack of actual studying and instead their existential crises. This strategy is expected to cut water usage in half so that it can be used for something important, like watering the Frankel courtyard so much that it floods. The Motley has also recognized that the farming of espresso beans has led to massive deforestation, so they will be cutting their coffee grounds with a much more environmentally friendly substitute: crushed up adderall they found in the Honnold Mudd bathroom (students with gluten allergies will be able to substitute with cocaine).

The final, and perhaps most mysterious part of the sustainability plan is the change to the Motley’s to-go system. After receiving widespread criticism, the Motley has decided to phase out plastic to-go cups and straws, and instead is now offering the “baby bird option.” Little detail was given to us when we reached out for a comment and the head managers have refused to explain. Luckily a source close to the Motley has come forward. When asked to explain the baby bird option an anonymous barista stated, “It’s exactly what it sounds like, and we are scared.”