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Motley’s New Secret Menu Leaked to The Golden Antlers


Every good restaurant has their secrets: In-n-Out has a secret menu, the Kusty Krab has the secret Krabby Patty formula, and even Sushi Cruise has a secret stash of heroin in the back. The Motley is no exception to this rule. In a moment of weakness, the Secret Menu was left unguarded, and a correspondent from the Golden Antlers did some cool spy shit to get it, including conducting a fake interview regarding linking gender equality to absurd amounts of caffeine to create a diversion. So, you’re welcome.

Motley Secret Menu:

Chai Hate the Patriarchy ~ A delicious chai tea latte (chai made by a convent of devout man-hating nuns)

Uh Oh, My Period’s Latté ~ Cranberry herbal tea that comes with a Guatemalan worry doll.

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AmericaNO Sexism ~ Nonconforming espresso with hot water.

(Diva Cup)accino ~ Just a cappuccino, gaaahd stop questioning me – Is it hot in here?

Pumpkin Spice Girls Latte – This is what you really really want

The Gloria Stein-mm ~ Coffee with milk from cows raised on a female co-op. The cows are rbst and sexism free.

Queen Bey ~ Your choice of tea sweetened with honey from bees that have been raised listening to Beyoncé. Exclusively Yonce.

The Sylvia Plath ~ Made with our finest oven-roasted coffee beans, this refreshingly dark drink is served in our trademark bell jar.

The Malala(tte) ~ Drinking this latte makes you imagine, for a moment, that you are a wildly successful and courageous young woman facing threats of death by the Taliban. Once it wears off, however, you’ll find yourself sitting by yourself in Seal Court, the same lazy fuck-up your parents always wished you weren’t, with a surprising lack of Nobel Peace Prizes. Yum.

The Hillary Clinton: This strong, independent (democratic, actually) blend don’t need no cream or sugar. Served hot in a cup dressed in a full pantsuit.

The CMC ~ Plain black coffee with NO SUGAR NO CREAM NO FLAVORING because I’m a MAN, damnit.

The Pitzer ~ A Kombucha latte with your choice of soy, hemp, goat, sheep, water buffalo, camel, yak, or ocean milk.

The Pomona ~ Latté flavored with a sprinkling of self-importance, okay, more than a sprinkling.

The Mudd ~ Just 11.379 shots of espresso. That’s it.

– Natalie Brown PZ ’18, with contributions from Brendan Busch CMC ‘18, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15 Abby O’Brien SCR ‘18, Liz Sommer PZ ’18, and Camille Croll HMC ’18


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