Harvey Mudd College is finally making good on its commitment to train “forward thinking scientists” who “have a clear understanding of their impact on society.” On Saturday, the Class of 2015 gathered around the fire pit at West Dorm and vowed together to take it upon themselves to end the vicious disease of Starting Salary Inequality (SSI) that has run rampant in Claremont for years.
This act of compassion was inspired by the seniors’ eight semesters of “HUMS” (known to everybody else as “classes”), which seek to impart a social conscience to the analytical minds of Mudders. It’s clear now that the college has succeeded in teaching its pupils the truth in life which cannot be found in any textbook – that the world is really, really unfair, especially to liberal arts grads.
“Honestly, the 200 of us are probably going to make more next year than the rest of these kids combined,” said one neck-bearded benefactor as he scootered through the rotting remains of last month’s Trick or Drink, “Sure, living in Silicon Valley is expensive, but we really couldn’t live with ourselves knowing that some poor sociology major will be going to grad school without a stipend… maybe even without daddy’s money!”
While the exact mechanisms for redistributing the wealth of the most sought after twenty-somethings in the country have yet to be determined, students around the 5C’s rejoiced upon hearing the initial plans. Official reactions from the schools, however, have been mixed.
“We have been forced to realize recently that Harvey Mudd is kind of like your annoying younger sibling,” said Pomona President David Oxtoby. “They’re less attractive and popular than you, but dammit if they won’t eventually become more successful in every other respect. We would be stupid not to take their cash. The resources of those STEM-nerds are something we can never divest from.”
Scripps students woke up this morning to an email assuring them that while the school would ration out the checks from Google and Microsoft in due time, only the money from female Mudders would be accepted. Gender Studies majors throughout the campus greeted the news with a sigh of relief, presumably due to their release from the burden of being exactly what everyone imagines them to be.
The Associated Students of Claremont McKenna College, who asked us not to report their names or years for fear someone might find out they are a member of the Associated Students of Claremont McKenna College, were initially troubled. “Yeah, it sounds a lot like socialism,” said one bro-source. “But I mean, every future hedge fund manager has got to start somewhere. I’m pretty sure I learned that in Econ.”
Pitzer College is the only school to have outright refused the taking money from their neighbors. When asked for a reasoning behind this decision, the entire student body proceeded to remove their clothing and howl upon the Mounds, leaving everyone else to wonder again at exactly how that school is operational.
Upon hearing the commotion down south, a group of graduate students ventured across Foothill for the first time this year since trying to pick up freshmen at the inaugural PUB. However, they were soon met with disappointment, as undergraduates looked around and muttered in confusion “CG-who?”
The strongest negative reaction to the announcement so far has come from local residents, who report that the stench of smug, sciencey superiority emanating from Harvey Mudd has become even more unbearable.
– David Cremins PO ’18 with help from Christie Kweon SCR ’15