Mudd Union of Non-Conventional Healthy Relationships says “Masks on, all else off!”

Have you heard of MUNCH? No, not Munch Grilled Cheese. Though you should definitely buy their grilled cheese and not because I work for them. The Mudd Union of Non-Conventional Healthy relationships, or MUNCH, has decided to resume limited activities after 3 days Covid-19 emails with less than 2 reported cases. Even though the Hoch remains open only for grab and go, MUNCH has received the go-ahead to resume a social “eating” setting after implementing public health precautions.

According to the new MUNCH protocol, all ball gags must be of surgical grade or higher. Handcuffs, whips, and leashes must be sanitized and properly wiped down between each use. For the sake of Covid testing, MUNCH has waived their former “spitters are quitters” rule. All activities are to be held outdoors with group sizes limited to 20 as per HMC requirements. Potential locations include East Dorm’s courtyard, that random-ass koi fountain, and directly outside your window.

“I’m optimistic that we will be able to host activities inside by the end of the semester,” shared MUNCH board member, Stumpy Dumpy ‘22. Stumpy says they plan on limiting indoor events to 5 polycules per orgy, and are developing plans to implement more contactless options, such as VR and e-sex.

Many other clubs at Mudd, such as the Cheese Club and the Hot Sauce club, are working towards collaboration with MUNCH according to Stumpy. “For the safety of all MUNCH members, masks must remain on at our events. Unfortunately, this means we can’t eat any food at our events,” Stumpy stated, “That’s where the N in MUNCH– the Non-Conventional– comes in. We’ll put our superior Mudder minds to finding other, Covid-safe uses to consume food in ways that don’t utilize our supple teeth holes.”

ASHMC is currently working on a No Prank List for staff and faculty, which would let Mudd students know the boundaries staff and faculty have, such as whether it’s okay to enter their office and what they can and can’t touch. “Many faculty, staff, and students at Mudd are okay with pranks that are both ethical and reversible,” Stumpy told Golden Antlers, “which is great for MUNCH, considering you can definitely fill in a glory hole if needed. And of course, it doesn’t require moving electronics or opening any drawers.”

MUNCH had plans for their first event of the semester, in collaboration with Mudd’s makerspace, titled “Computational Dildo Engineering Workshop.” Unfortunately, the plans fell through days before, following a community update email reading: “We were recently notified that we have received one positive test result from our ongoing testing program for students, faculty and staff.  The student has moved from Yeasty Easty into isolation.”