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NASA Scientists Find Primordial Signs of Life in Post-TNR Ooze

 

At 03:38:34 A.M. NASA astrobiologist Craig Lemon reported signs of spontaneous life in the murky, sticky goo that covers the tables in Appleby lounge every Wednesday. They believe this recent discovery could potentially be a significant advancement in the astrobiological sciences.

Tuesday Night Ruit (TNR) is a hallmark CMC party that boasts an average attendance of ten self-proclaimed professional beer pong players each week. At best, it gets people drunk enough to go to Table Manners.  At worst, it gets people drunk enough to go to Table Manners.

Lemon disclosed that the substance (a mixture of beer, saliva, dirt, and the remnants of a spicy tuna roll from Sushi Cruise) was a near perfect model of Earth’s early environment. Lemon was not surprised by the findings: “I’m not surprised by the findings,” said Lemon.

NASA has searched the far, unknown depths of space in search of extraterrestrial life, yet their greatest breakthrough comes from a festering dorm lounge at CMC. This recent breakthrough demonstrates that contrary to popular belief, TNR is not only a place where little bits of the soul go to die; it can be a place where life begins.

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“These findings could potentially be a significant advancement in the astrobiological sciences,” argued Lemon. “In no situation should TNR ever be shut down. It may seem like a pointless activity, but it could in fact one day save every goddamn human being on Earth. Or NASA. Please don’t shut down NASA.”

CMC sophomore Erika Waters is ecstatic about the findings. “I told you so! I told you so! TNR! TNR!” Her fellow students joined in the chant, which soon turned into “USA! USA!”

Waters and co. circled Appleby in a series of celebratory naked laps enthusiastically exposing themselves to an unsuspecting crowd of mozz-stick hungry students on a study break. Lemon was nowhere in sight as, according to Waters, he was last seen “trolling under the table like a little bitch.”

– Elliot Warner CMC ’18 with contributions from Jacksón Smith CMC ’18, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, and Christie Kweon SCR ’15, concept by Ben Turner CMC ’16

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