Networking 101: How to land that dream finance/consulting/Deloitte job on Career Day

and be more pretentious than that Jefferson Buckley guy

     

    Networking 101: How to land that dream finance/consulting/Deloitte job on Career Day. 

    Here are the tips and tricks the Golden Antler’s have compiled from years of experience on the job:

    Tip #1: Pocket squares.

    Tip #2: Sleep with Debbie the Consultant from Deloitte and/or Steve the Analyst from EY to demonstrate your “interpersonal skills.” Human relations, am I right??

    Tip #3: Make sure the questions that you carefully drafted beforehand on a sticky note using the company’s Wikipedia page include at least four words your peers won’t understand. Articulation at its finest.¹

    Tip #3.5 Don’t tell, show. When your resume states that you’re a “social media expert,” show them! Live tweet the entire interview.

    Tip #4: Always carry your personalized, platinum business cards in a diamond-encrusted, Robert’s Pavilion sponsored case.

    Tip #5: Tattoo your GPA on your forehead in case the head business analyst missed it on the resume you shoved in his hands. Unless your GPA is really bad. Then don’t do this.

    Tip #6: Take some Body Combat classes before your event so you master the art of shoving other incompetent laymen out of your way during the networking group interview.  

    Tip #7: Make sure to always ask about the company’s philanthropic arm so that they know you aren’t just interested in the position because it contains the word “analyst” or reaps a six-figure starting salary.

    Tip #8: Three page resume. Minimum. Don’t be fooled by all those blowhards trying to fit your life of activities, community services, and leadership into a single, rectangular sheet.

    Tip #9: Interview the interviewer. When asked “what will you bring to the company?,” immediately follow up with “what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?” Demand their resume and what skills qualify them for interviewing you. Request their manager if they become difficult. As a last resort, speak exclusively in Excel Macros until help arrives.

    Tip #10: If all else fails, sleep your way to the top. Falling asleep during an interview shows the interviewer that you can manage your time well and care about your health.


    ¹ Possible buzzwords: Absorption costing, amortization, proxy, spinoff, core competency, taper, quadruple witching, and corporate values. See pretentiousbusinessjargon.com for further ideas.

    Leave a Reply