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Oh No! You Did Acid and You’re Still Boring

 

Everyone loves a good image rebrand, and you really needed it. That’s why we were all so excited when you posted thirty blurry pictures of the acid sheet on your tongue – so excited that no one wanted to tell you that’s not even how you do acid. However, reports are coming in that you’re as insufferable as ever. 

Previous data had indicated strong projections for your acid trip. We saw a significant increase in popularity about a month ago, when you had too much of that weird microbrew you’re obsessed with and randomly started insulting everyone with surprising accuracy in a performance critics called “entertaining” and “messy in the best way.” However, those stats dropped quickly later that night when you talked about the Marvel Cinematic Universe for a whopping twenty minutes. 

We reached out to some of your friends for comment. Your friend who wakes and bakes every day told us, “When I saw them staring at the grass for hours I was more than ready to share philosophies about life, but then yesterday they sent me a Big Chungus meme.” We even heard that you tweeted twelve separate times about GameStop, but clearly didn’t really get what was happening there. 

So where did you go wrong? Did you not do enough acid? Top scientists and cool, well liked people are looking into it, but for now we can safely say: Your fantasy football team needs you to respond to the group chat. 

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