Shocking to report here that an entire month of Womxn’s History has repressed men to the point of no return.
Upperclassmen recently have been overhead explaining to freshmen and sophomores that “when a senior howls and beats his chest in front of you,” is a good thing. That is what you want. And, if he places meat on the ground in front of you, it’s super embarrassing if you don’t take it.
Besides the female-identifying objectification, there have been more unfortunate ripples throughout campus. Within cross-campus classes men have ceased to communicate verbally with those who don’t share the cave-mind, although within CMC politics classes this has surprisingly led to more fruitful debate.
The Golden Antlers investigative team sent in a non-desirable man to not trigger the newly sensitized male group, and learn more about their motives. Says their spokesman, “after the third time my girlfriend told me to do something to make her life easier this womxn’s history month, I broke up with her, and then we formed this movement and never looked back.” Says another, “I was actually trying to be respectful, I repressed my need to holler at ladies for so long that it basically just forced itself out this way.”
A Linguistics department research survey is currently underway in order to adapt the new method of male communication into campus life. Financial backing has been sourced from Pomona’s emergency response fund, which was incredibly easy to access and doesn’t seem to be used for anything else at the moment.
Moving forward, journalists of the 5Cs will continue to monitor this stone-turning movement. A recent progression in male behavior has cause for concern, as students have reported caveman antics beginning to evolve. Says one Pitzer representative: “yea, he started with the typical UNH-UNH-UNH grunt when he saw me run by without a shirt on, but then he stopped and pulled out a guitar and showed me a picture of his family, I’ve never seen anything like it!”
We treat this with utmost severity and will stay vigilant: we hope you do too. OOGA BOOGA!