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Op-Ed: I Think My Roommate Is Secretly a Worm, His Bed Is Filled with Dirt

 

We all come to college with the biggest fear that our roommate is a worm, and in the event, we often delude ourselves into thinking that they just like eating dirt in the corner, shitting out of both buttholes at once. No longer, for I am here to provide you with a useful guide on determining whether or not your roommate is, in fact, a worm.

1. Doesn’t wear shoes 

Does your roommate not have any shoes? They might be a worm. ​​

As you can see here, worms don’t have feet, so they don’t wear shoes. So, if your roommate doesn’t wear shoes, they could be a worm. 

2. Slime in the bed

While we might like to think that our roommate is getting some, stop thinking that the weird slimy stuff on their sheets is someone’s kids. It’s probs worm slime. Deal with it. And stop putting sheets covered in worm slime in the communal washers, that’s gross, eat them like the rest of us.

3. Nocturnal

Does your roommate sleep at the weirdest hours of the day? They might be a worm. 

Worms are known to sleep during the day and live it up at night. So, if you can go for days without seeing your roommate and are worried that they might’ve died and now you have to pay for an expensive single room instead of a double, don’t worry, your roommate is still breathing, probs just a worm. 

4. They eat at Collins

After rigorous research, we have determined that the quinoa at Collins is actually dirt with a little bit of salt, so if your roommate frequents Collins, they may be a worm.

5. They’re my ex

If your roommate is my ex, they’re a worm. End of statement.

I hope this guide was helpful to you in determining whether or not your roommate is a worm. 

Here are some on-campus resources to help you if your roommate is in fact a worm

Worm Safety Hotline: 866 850 5995

Worm Facilities: 909 621 8000

Yelp: Top 10 Things to do With a Wormy Roomie

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