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Opinion: Bathroom Doors Keep People Apart


Just as Sunday football and Home Depot separate a father from family and the Lord, bathroom doors serve only as a barrier between my cold piercing eyes and your uncomfortable, speechless expression. Pew Research found that 99.7% of all God-fearing Americans were isolated by bathroom doors at least once, sometimes even twice, in 2020. 

Yes, you read that correctly. And unless you hail from the progressive Latvian group-defecation communes, you are simply in denial. Bathroom doors present several evils we must overcome as a society. 

Why bathroom doors are evil:

  • They keep other people from getting to know the true me. I feel like I can really let it all out, personality-wise, while I’m on the can. 
  • Other people can’t put their fingers in my belly button while I poop. It’s not the same when they put it in during a casual situation like a dining hall meal, the classroom, or Steve Buscemi’s coronation. 
  • I HATE masturbating alone on my porcelain throne of tears. Solo masturbation is for cam-girls, and I’m no slut. 
  • What is more racist than a bathroom door? Confining an entire space to a single race through segregation? Pee-tzer College has already taken liberties to experiment with bathroom inclusivity by removing urinal panels to encourage shoulder bumping and confidence-shattering, yet humbling, realizations from diagonal glances. 
  • They are doors. (Yes, I am anti-door, bathrooms are just the start)

What is now needed is political action. We need to organize our pee-ple because it won’t be all sunshine and poo-colored rainbows for long. Indeed, the greatest threat to our goal is factionalism within the anti-bathroom-door community.  We must unite on our aim to seize the means of fecal projection and join forces to resist the Stall-in like autocratic demands from our government that seek to divide us.

“  You might be asking yourself, “how can I help?”, “how can I help rally our movement?”. Save your $15; my sphincter looks so much like the sandworm from DUNE you won’t even need a major motion picture film to stimulate your feeble mind. 

Bathroom doors, like walls and other, normal doors, keep people apart. Next time you see a bathroom door hiding a poor lonely soul, take action by busting those hinges off with the force of a million lions who just want to create a nurturing pride.


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