Just as Sunday football and Home Depot separate a father from family and the Lord, bathroom doors serve only as a barrier between my cold piercing eyes and your uncomfortable, speechless expression. Pew Research found that 99.7% of all God-fearing Americans were isolated by bathroom doors at least once, sometimes even twice, in 2020.
Yes, you read that correctly. And unless you hail from the progressive Latvian group-defecation communes, you are simply in denial. Bathroom doors present several evils we must overcome as a society.
Why bathroom doors are evil:
- They keep other people from getting to know the true me. I feel like I can really let it all out, personality-wise, while I’m on the can.
- Other people can’t put their fingers in my belly button while I poop. It’s not the same when they put it in during a casual situation like a dining hall meal, the classroom, or Steve Buscemi’s coronation.
- I HATE masturbating alone on my porcelain throne of tears. Solo masturbation is for cam-girls, and I’m no slut.
- What is more racist than a bathroom door? Confining an entire space to a single race through segregation? Pee-tzer College has already taken liberties to experiment with bathroom inclusivity by removing urinal panels to encourage shoulder bumping and confidence-shattering, yet humbling, realizations from diagonal glances.
- They are doors. (Yes, I am anti-door, bathrooms are just the start)
What is now needed is political action. We need to organize our pee-ple because it won’t be all sunshine and poo-colored rainbows for long. Indeed, the greatest threat to our goal is factionalism within the anti-bathroom-door community. We must unite on our aim to seize the means of fecal projection and join forces to resist the Stall-in like autocratic demands from our government that seek to divide us.
“ You might be asking yourself, “how can I help?”, “how can I help rally our movement?”. Save your $15; my sphincter looks so much like the sandworm from DUNE you won’t even need a major motion picture film to stimulate your feeble mind.
Bathroom doors, like walls and other, normal doors, keep people apart. Next time you see a bathroom door hiding a poor lonely soul, take action by busting those hinges off with the force of a million lions who just want to create a nurturing pride.