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OPINION: Gummy Worms Demand (and Deserve) Equal Employment Opportunities in Agricultural Sector

 

On a crisp March morning, a few dozen gummy worms gather outside the United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) headquarters in Washington D.C. They ranged from sour coated to tropical flavored to vegan-friendly, but they all had one thing in common: they came to demand equality. 

The USDA has a long history of discrimination. Nearly 50 years after the Equal Employment Opportunity Act was passed, gummy worms still make up less than 0% of the agricultural sector. The sad reality is that farmers, gardeners, and compost sites blatantly refuse to hire worms. 

“It’s about the color of our skin, but we’re all the same on the inside” said Gum E. Worm, a father of three who wiggled his way from South Dakota to Washington D.C to be here this morning. 

Others are not as eager to see integration in the soil. In a phone conversation with a farmer from Fresno, he passionately remarked, “What? This is why you called me at 2 in the morning? To ask me if gummy worms are equal to actual worms? They’re literally made of sugar; they do jack shit for soil health. Don’t ever call here again”.

Despite the harsh opposition, the gummy worm equality movement has continued to persevere. In addition to lobbying, the movement has been gaining traction on social media with popular hashtags like #SOILidarity, #EqualUnderEarth, #JesusLovesWorms, and #GummyWormsAreWormsOkaySoJustBelieveUs. 

“I want a better future for my children, not one confined to musty movie theaters and expired Halloween candy” Worm tearfully stated. “It’s time this group of Americans get a chance at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”

To all those disenfranchised gummies out there: Godspeed and I hope you get to eat shit.

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