OPINION: It’s Time for Pitzer’s First Lady to Release Her Platform


As we all know, the wives of presidents in this glorious nation have long held significant roles in policymaking, diplomacy, and the development of national wellness programs. Jill Biden is a milf. Melania Trump did that healthy lunch thing. Joan Rivers did that thing for people with weird voices. Laura Bush was such a silly goofy quirky gal! Hilary Clinton did that thing where she looked like a totally cucked loser, which made everyone else look better. There’s a clear historical precedent for productive, beneficial, and well-respected first-lady initiatives.

So the question is then, what the hell has First Lady Suzanne Oliver been doing? Melvin Oliver assumed office in 2016, shortly after the old president with the sissy last name. It’s been five years, and we’ve made no progress. There have been no healthy lunch programs, no wars on drugs, and no sassy power pantsuits.

I mean, I get it. I know that First Lady Suzanne Oliver has been busy with other things. Namely, her various semesterly diplomatic missions to Upland, Montclair, and the Taco Bell in the Pentagon. It’s hard work being a politician. But that doesn’t mean that First Lady Suzanne Oliver doesn’t have a responsibility to prioritize domestic programming.

According to her chief of staff, who wished to remain anonymous, First Lady Suzanne Oliver “doesn’t really do much I guess. It’s like whatever. Like in the mornings she wakes up and she deadlifts like 250. And in the afternoon she deadlifts like 270. Then at night she watches WWE and deadlifts like 280. But that’s a busy day. Normally it’s like 260 max. Also please don’t tell anyone that I told you that, like don’t say ‘the chief of staff told me.’ I explicitly do not consent to be quoted.”

So there you have it – insider testimony that while First Lady Suzanne Oliver might be getting huge gains, and also watching some killer TV programming, she really isn’t doing anything for Pitzer society as a whole.

The other Claremont First Lady, Priya Junnar of CMC, has already provided universal healthcare, free beer pong tables, and some wicked dab rigs to CMC students. And everyone knows that the first husbands of Claremont don’t have to do anything. So there’s really no excuse for First Lady Suzanne Oliver’s negligence. First lady? More like WORST LAMEY.


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