As a rich and pretty person, it goes without saying that I must present myself a certain way online. It’s essentially a law that my social media be filled with hot beach pics in Turks and Caicos and candid selfies on my charter plane to Aspen – intricately curated scientific proof that the luxury life I live is much better than yours.
My aesthetic speaks to the purpose of Instagram itself: to show off how rich and pretty I am. That’s why I take issue with this new trend of “making Instagram casual.” Suddenly, people are posting pictures with no makeup on! In sweatpants! In kitchens that only have one oven! What happened to the filters? The photoshop? The second oven?! The third?!?!
This movement unfairly subjects the hottest one percent to scroll past all the uggos. Have they no respect for themselves? Did no one tell them ugly people should hide themselves? Have they no respect for me? Those who disagree with me might say that this new trend is transforming body image for the better, but can’t we increase body positivity in other ways? For example, maybe the ugly and poor people could show body positivity by reposting hot pictures of me and my sexy and rich life! They could even enter to win a 10 percent discount on SkinnyFit Detox Tea, which is 100 percent proven to take them down to a size two! See the results on my new hashtag for body positivity: #MeTwo
There is another way in which the poor are co-opting Instagram: this self-proclaimed “social activism.” Suddenly, Instagram stories are telling me how to be a good ally to Bipoc. I don’t even know anyone named Bipoc! And don’t try to cancel me–I use my privilege to help others! I’ve let ugly people take pictures and look at me in places like the Harvey Mudd dining hall! I, however, don’t clog up people’s Instagram feed with this nonsense. I just crop the ugly engineers out and post pictures of me! It is my responsibility to acknowledge my pretty privilege rather than hide it. I mean, God made me hot for a reason. It totally wasn’t just my mom stealing Hugh Grant’s sperm and doing DIY IVF! And it wasn’t the rhinoplasty either; I only had one because I happened to get a deviated septum right after my thirteenth birthday. So I say let’s use our voices and our platforms for what they were made for: everyone getting to see my pretty face and hot bod!