Members of Claremont Colleges and the United States,
You may have recently seen that President Donald J. Trump has claimed that our publishing establishment, The Golden Antlers, is fake news. We are truly saddened and hurt by these accusations, as we have done nothing but provide the truth, and only the truth, to all members of the Claremont Colleges since 1846. Our founder, Clancy Tripp, promised to uphold the facts and inform all students and members of the harsh realities of our community and world. We promise that we do not manipulate the facts, release wrong information, use clickbait titles to garner attention, or spread lies in any of our features, as we are determined to tell the people what they need to hear. All of our pieces are completely serious and practical; and despite Trump attempting to ruin our reputation as a reputable news source, we will continue producing high-quality articles such as “Claremont College Library Shut Down After Long Battle with Toxic Gas” and “Harvey Mudd College Announces Plan to Eliminate All Non Computer Science Majors.” In fact, we were the first to report that Pomona College has voted to “Pomexit” the Claremont Consortium, and (as of the publication of this article) we are the only news organization at the 5C’s willing to publish a piece about this difficult topic. So no, Mr. President, the Golden Antlers is not “a great danger to our country”; without the hard-hitting journalism of the Golden Antlers, the great citizens of Claremont would be left in the dark on a multitude of important issues that have a very real effect on their day-to-day lives.
Everything that is written and published on our site goes through an extensive process, in which the writers first investigate events and ideas with the utmost precaution, tapping only the most valid and authentic sources (including stories from the overheard posts in the Meme Queens of the 5C’s and highly-reliable rumors started in Taco Tuesday lines at McConnell). After the story is written, it then goes through a number of edits, where readers and editors scan for mispellings, grammer, and, punktuation, which is in addition to all the fact checking that is done at this time. Before officially posting the article, we all gather together and do a dramatic reenactment of the piece, reciting it line by line, in order to ensure that the write-up is one hundred percent factual, unbiased, and will be a positive factor to our community.Contrary to Trump’s assertions, we are completely under control and not in a “total meltdown” thanks to Jacksón Smith, our current Editor-in-Chief (who, as we all know, is a well-respected politician who is remembered fondly for his empowering Freshman Class President campaign that was centered around the uniting concept of “Cocaine Tuesdays”). Readers, be assured that this is a dignified publication that will continue printing pieces without “blind hatred” and “conspiracy theories.” We hope that you know realize that The Golden Antlers is neither a fake news source nor is unreadable like Trump claims, but is rather a reference that makes sure every publication that we publish is certainly, without a doubt, real and reliable.
Signed, The Staff of the Golden Antlers