By Literally Making Students Chase Their Food, CMC Reminds Everyone that Basic Sustenance Is Something You Must Earn

Woohoo! Can you say capitalistic innovation? CMC took the fat wad of cash they had leftover from failing to bring students back to campus last year and bought this son of a gun!

We talked to CMC President Hiram Chodosh about why the college chose to buy a food truck that no one uses.

“Well, we here at Claremont McKenna College LOVE capitalism!! So we thought the food truck would be an apt metaphor for this school’s general guiding philosophy: success in the world is totally merit-based, and if you work hard enough, you’ll definitely eventually make a billion dollars, provided you inherit most of it. The American Dream! As practice for the Real World of Finance and Economics, we wanted to teach our rough and tumble young fellows here at CMC how to earn their keep. And so, every day from 11am to 1pm, this saucy little truck hurtles through campus at 75 miles an hour. If a student can’t catch it, then clearly, he failed to buy the latest and most expensive boosted board or anabolic steroids or simply work hard enough so that he could keep up with the pace of the food economy. That’s on him.”

He continued, “Our students need to learn that it’s a dog eat dog world out there, baby! That’s why we put Theo on the truck. Do you know how many dogs he ate this morning? A lot. Because Theo’s a winner.”

After that utterly stirring speech, it was with anguish that we told Hiram the bittersweet tale of the off-campus food trucks that recently arrived on the CMC campus, replacing Theo’s and bringing both non-Collins food with them and lines the length of one entire canine lifespan. Instead of mourning his boon of capitalistic ingenuity, Hiram’s face instead glowed with pride, and he clucked his tongue knowingly.

“Ach, I see what’s happening here. These trucks don’t know that the key to capitalistic innovation is making everything a little bit shit. Do you ever see a line at Theo’s? Exactly. If these ‘businesses’ want to run as well as ours, they just need to make their food suck butt. The key to economics is ensuring supply meets demand. If your product is so bad that it has literally zero demand, then you cut the supply, and bam: perfect economic efficiency.” 

Certain the spirit of Adam Smith himself had just spoken to us through Hiram, we shuffled out of the room awestruck. You heard it here first, folks: the key to the free market economy? No market at all. Let’s hear it for capitalism! Sco stags!


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