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Overzealous Pitzer Protester Self-Immolates in Response to Elimination of Meatless Mondays

Yum, what's that smell? Is Scripps doing cannibal night again?!?
 
Dinner was unfortunately served a little bit too well-done for Pitzer’s Tranquility Foster ’16 this Monday.

Yum, what's that smell? Is Scripps doing cannibal night again?!?
Yum, what’s that smell? Is Scripps doing cannibal night again?!?

The 5C’s remain in a strange state of simultaneous solemnity and confusion in the aftermath of what appears to be a bout of impassioned, yet arguably impulsive, civil-disobedience. Miss Foster appears to have attempted an act of self-immolation in order to demonstrate her extreme displeasure with Scripps’ Malott Dining Hall.

Last week, Scripps students voted to suspend “Meatless Mondays” at the Malott Dining Hall. However, some students are crying foul and claiming that the administration rigged the vote. Mere hours after the controversial retirement of Meatless Mondays, protesters from all over the 5C’s organized an Occupy Seal Court movement to, in the words of Scripps student Freedom Alrbright ’13, “…somehow make something happen because we’re sitting there”.

Out from the woodwork came the Motley patrons, who didn’t quite overhear exactly what happened, but were reportedly still, “very upset and deeply concerned about whatever it is.” Insightful Harvey Mudd students with detailed, carefully calculated proposals in which everyone would get what they wanted were drowned out by Pomona students vehemently insisting they, “were outraged first.”

The whole ordeal came to a crux when, during the teach-in about the cruelty of factory farming, Tranquility Foster got caught up in the high of both the impassioned crowd and whatever that homeless drifter let her have a hit of earlier that day. Miss Foster set herself ablaze in an effort to express solidarity with the grilled chicken being served just yards away. The crowd, initially cheering Miss Foster’s bravery and cultural awareness for emulating the protests of Tibetan monks, eventually came to its senses and was able to toss Miss Foster into the adjacent pond and extinguish the flames.

Seriously, will someone tell me what I'm protesting? This blank sign is embarrassing...
Seriously, will someone tell me what I’m protesting? This blank sign is embarrassing…

Eye witness Jake Pawlson, CMC ’14, told The Golden Antlers in an on-the-scene interview, “Yeah bro! So all of a sudden, I look over and I’m like WHOA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! That shit was dope I want my friends to light me on fire before they pond me. Also there are a lot of really hot girls here. I gotta come here more often, man. You know I’m really pretty in to that hipster, sort of shy…”. The interview was quickly cut short after it became clear Mr. Pawlson was unaware of what was going on.

Fellow protester, and friend of Miss Foster, Serenity Morris, gave a more enlightening viewpoint. “Yeah… I mean we we’re all a little bit pissed off about it I guess, but I don’t think anyone was quite expecting that. But that’s just how ‘Quil is you know? One minute she’s finger painting octopus ink on a papyrus scroll, the next minutes she’s setting herself on fire. We try to be encouraging of that freedom of expression.”

It does not appear as though Miss Foster has sustained any serious injury. In an over the phone interview, a char-broiled Tranquility stated that she, “was just waiting for her chance to really make a difference.”

Though Meatless Monday’s have been reinstated at the Malott, Miss Foster’s influence on the decision is, for the most part, unknown. Speculation has arisen that one of the dining hall workers merely forget to type it in to the schedule for the week. More details to follow.

– Baron Von Schlapenstien ’15 CMC and Charlie Montgomery ’15 CMC

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  1. Charlie, well fucking done.Just as good as the gentleman studies post. You were able to mock the schools about their stereotypes without making stale jokes. gotta love the scripps names too

    Also, Ender Wiggins sucks. Blows at FIFA too

     
    • Careful Captain Ape…

      Don’t make me steal your earplugs and headphones and lock you in the bathroom from the hours of 8-2 one night…..

       

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