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Partisan Pong: 5C Democrats and 5C Republicans go Head to Head in Beer Pong Battle

The RCC’s Team called the DCC “illegitimate” and poured one out to their homeboy Todd Akin

After a minor setback requiring every player to produce a birth certificate in order to play, the Democrats of the Claremont Colleges took on the Republicans of the Claremont Colleges in what witnesses have called “the most heavily anticipated game since the Union took on the Confederacy in Slap Cup back in ’62.”

Thousands of Claremont students flocked to McKenna Auditorium to witness the throwdown of the century.  After a rousing (yet silent) pep talk courtesy of Clint Eastwood’s chair, the RCC lead a rousing cheer of “REAGAN, REAGAN!” before taking their positions at the table.  Meanwhile, the DCC gave away contraceptives as door prizes and reverently stroked a picture of Barack murmuring prayers to “the liberal media.”

The DCC was quick to challenge.  One member called out “we’re going to do to you what Prez O did to Osama Bin Laden!” to which a member of the audience responded, “Jesus Christ, we get it already.”

Pong PAC, funded almost exclusively by Ann Romney, sponsored the RCC and provided each player with vouchers for “free hugs” and “$75 worth of health care.”

The DCC reportedly got “waaayyyy too high” before competing.

After missing 5 consecutive cups, the DCC alleged that they deserved one free cup due to the fact that three members of their team were quadruple amputees.  Clarence von Wallenstein III, treasurer of the RCC, was visibly unimpressed as he made a cup behind-the-back and called out “where’s your social safety net now, bitches?!?”

Not to be outdone, Sarah Servin, President of the DCC, quickly asserted that she had purchased the materials used for the tournament.  Servin demanded, “how you like them handouts now?” In a fit of desperation Richard Ahne ’15, Secretary of the DCC, took an axe to the wooden table allegedly accusing the RCC, “YOU DIDN’T BUILD THIS.”

After asking for the legendary “Obamacare Death Panel” rerack, the Republicans soon captured all but one elusive cup.  Herman Cain gathered his team together for one final pep talk. “How many cups have you already gotten?” he reminded his visibly distressed team members, “9, 9, 9.”

Clancy Tripp, Vice President Internal of the DCC noted that the tournament was “malarkey” and speculated that though the RCC had won a beer pong tournament, “when Romney slashes Pell Grants for nearly 9.6 million students they wont be so chipper now will they?”

Charles Johnson Abraham VII, President and team Captain of the RCC, explained that though he did not care about “at least 47% of what happened during the game” he felt that he was entitled to the win.  He then took a baseball bat and beat the DCC’s mascot Big Bird to death.

– Clancy Tripp’15 CMC


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