Paternity Test Now Required to Purchase “Scripps Dad” Merchandise

CLAREMONT, CA – Campus officials have enacted a new policy restricting acquisition of “Scripps Dad” products to those with proof of biological paternity. The Scripps Dad logo—once an innocent emblem donned in various fabric forms by grieving fathers on move-in day—now serves as a souvenir that male members of the 5C community bring back from their trips into Athena’s temple.  

The embargo was initially proposed by “Scripps Leaders Unite Together,” (S.L.U.T), a student-founded Scripps organization. The original S.L.U.T. report includes a thorough analysis of purchase records from the last decade, finding a direct correlation between the increase in consumption of “Scripps Dad” products and the rising rate of literacy in the CMC econ major population over the past few years.

However, S.L.U.T. is eager to clear up the misconception that only CMCers partake in this tradition. S.L.U.T. is currently working to substantiate claims of a highly encrypted, underground network known as the “Scripps DADabase,” which contains the Student ID numbers of all students who have previously bought a shirt “just to work out in.” Any Mudder who comes forward with useful information will receive a freeline upgrade on the house.  

Several on-campus commercial establishments oppose the ban, citing its financial repercussions. “’Scripps Dad’ gear is by far our most popular clothing item,” explains one Scripps Store employee who wishes to remain anonymous. “About once a day I get a fellow in here asking if the shirt comes in size ‘Swoll.’” A concerned Huntley manager remarks, “We simply cannot stock them fast enough.” By comparison, the Huntley has never had to renew their order of “Harvey Mudd Dad” paraphernalia, as they are still working to sell out their initial 1956 inventory.

So far, the student body proves divided in their response to the directive—some applaud it as a long-overdue mandate, others decry it as a restriction on their personal freedom of expression. An impromptu protest took place in the Cube this past Wednesday. A number of students complained about hearing “‘Who’s your Daddy? Read my shirt!” chants all the way from the 4^th floor of Honnold.

It remains to be seen if any formal repeals will be set in motion. Until then, the 5C screen-printing club boosts an unprecedented membership record.