Peanut Butter! We Rigged the Election


Wow, it feels good to get that off our chest! What a wild game of BS that was. 

We had a really hard time figuring out when to call it, but we figured a couple weeks into the new term was safe. For a while there it really looked like they were gonna figure us out, and we would’ve had to draw four more years. Can you imagine? That would’ve been a bummer. All those clever folks at the Capitol really almost had us, we got nervous! Luckily we were hiding under Nancy Pelosi’s ANTIFA-powered invisibility cloak with our box of stolen ballots and Chump’s real popularity polls that didn’t rank him well below 50% for four whole years.

What’s that? You want to know how we did it? Alright, alright, you nosy little scamp. We’ll tell you how we expertly commandeered the single most important event in world history. Suck it, 2000 Presidential Election

Step 1: Set up Turnip to take the fall by breaking into the White House every night for four years and whispering silly stories of collusion and corruption in his damp and ticklish ear while he sleeps. Then the mainstream media and TSL turned on him while we did the dirty work. Poor guy.

Step 2: Team up with Daddy Vladdy (all it took was a couple of hairy toe pics), who figured Biden’s commie agenda would be preferable to bribing his American oligarch friends.

Step 3: On the night of the election, with some help from Karl Marx’s worse cousin, Santa Claus, travel to every graveyard in one night, reanimate some folks to make them fill out ballots (but don’t worry, all the Republican wins were valid), then shove them all in California’s ballot box (just full-fist it, it’ll feel good, we promise).

And that’s it, really! Hopefully you’ve been able to learn a little from the pros so that you can rig your very own election. Jeb! 2024, here we come!


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