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People My Grandma Thinks Should Speak at the Ath


My grandma is absolutely thrilled that I’m at CMC. She sees it as a “wonderful educational opportunity,” where I’m going to “grow into the adult that I’m destined to become.” Her favorite part about the college, though, is the Athenaeum. She always calls me just to tell me about the people she thinks would be amazing speakers and who she would pay “the big bucks” to listen to. And when I say always, I mean always. She literally won’t stop calling me— and “the nice lady” from QVC.

Uncle Scott 

My grandma always goes on and on about how Uncle Scott has the best stories around. She’s certain that people would love to hear about his trip to Argentina, when he got stranded at the zoo and he was trying to find your father, or that time when he got his stand stuck in the escalator and he was “about to get eaten alive.”

Dean Martin

“He’s still alive isn’t he? Oh you would love him, he was such a dreamboat.”


Margaret is your Grandma’s neighbor with the gnome on her lawn. She’s really into gardening and she’s a real hoot at your grandma’s weekly bridge game.

Her Old Neighbor’s Cousin’s Sister

Despite having never met her, my Grandma somehow manages to weave “Kathryn- or was it Carol” into every tangent about her recipe for sweet potato casserole.

Britney Spears

“What ever happen to her?” “Is she doing alright?” “Has her hair grown back?” “I’d love to hear her story and what she’s been up to now.”

Jared Fogle

“He seems like such a nice young man. I used to see him on my television set all the time, but he hasn’t been on in quite some time. I would very much like to know what he’s been up to.”

Dr. Oz

“He’s so smart! Did you see his last episode where he talked about how flame broiled food burns more calories?”Her Local News 12 Anchors

But just Anne Fox and Jacob Fell, not that “new floozy Reese”. She needs to stop wearing shirts that wash her out. Did you see that Anne has been wearing an engagement ring since last Sunday? I hope he’s nicer than her last husband. I heard that he’s a bum.

Debbie Meyer

Her green bags changed everything, including how long Grandma can keep food past it’s expiration date before a relative purges her kitchen over the holidays. Don’t tell her but we threw out the Pimento Cheese from over 6 months ago. No Grandma, cheese doesn’t age like wine.

“Benny.  Or was it Kenny? Oh I never can remember.  Lewis maybe?”
You know, the Robinson’s boy. He’s studying to become a doctor, you know. Or was it a lawyer? Anywho he’s a very smart boy and I’m sure you all could learn a thing or two from him.  He’s always – PATRICK! IT’S PATRICK.”

“You know, I could really teach you kids a thing or two about how we did things back in the good old days. During the Great Depression, we didn’t have the money for any of these fancy Athenaeums; we had to entertain ourselves with nothing but a plain old radio and a stick.  We used to listen to Amos N Andy just about every week and…”


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