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Pitzer ‘92 Beer League Team, Missing for 26 Years, Discovered Alive in the Andes Mountains

 

Beer league–a Pomona-Pitzer tradition since 1776. One might describe it as “fun in the sun:” the game is slow-pitch baseball, filled to the brim with beer, bunts, bongs, Bobs, and brawls. The rules are easy–regular baseball rules, except every pitch is a strike, there are 4 strikes instead of 3, a mandatory 7th inning singing of God Save America and Take Me Out to the Ballgame, brawls to decide close plays, and ungodly amounts of beer. But all this sun in the fun wasn’t quite so fun on one fateful November saturday in 1992.

According to witnesses there on that Saturday, beer-league teams had just been kicked off the Mudd field and were making their way to CMC to continue their games. According to the Pomona teams that gave testimonies, the Pitzer team got lost on this drunken trek to the backup field. Everyone, at the time, assumed they just went home early to blaze it up like they usually did; in fact, it took thirty-nine days before anyone noticed they were gone.

The survivors of the ordeal were not available for comment. What is known so far is that the group ended up on a plane that was downed by the Russian government over the Andes mountain ranges. The team resorted to cannibalism within the first two hours–it is rumored that survivor Chad McThad ate 7 of his 12 toes by the first tuesday in the mountains. After twenty-six years of setting smoke signals, two of the members of the team decided to make a trek through the mountainous terrain in desperate hopes of finding safety; after a mere twenty minutes, they discovered that they were about half a city-block away from a Carl’s Jr. After the manager of the Carl’s Jr. notified the authorities they were immediately airlifted to a medical cannabis dispensary. Elon Musk has also gotten involved with the ordeal after offering the use of his personal submarine to rescue the beer league team, but it is not expected to be needed at this time. He has also since called the manager of the Carl’s Jr. a pedofile, which saw SpaceX’s market value plummet.

All team members are expected to make a recovery. This story is ongoing.

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