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Pitzer Apologizes for Tree Funeral After Finding Homophobic Tweets the Tree Made in 2015


After the 80mph winds last weekend, Pitzer College had to say goodbye to what they thought was a beloved friend. Students mourned the tree that had shaded many a smoke sesh on the mounds in the college’s long, 58 year history. Yes, this tree has seen it all: it was there when Pitzer became the Claremont college with the highest number of students in the 1%, when there were like ten different student talk threads about the vegan dessert at McConnell, and when there was a legit off campus cult that never really got addressed and we all just moved on. But after the water was shut off for the second time in 24 hours and we were told to stay in our dorms, the tree fell. Now, new evidence suggests this tree totally deserved it, because it’s a goddamn homophobe. 

While students were gathered on the mounds singing kumbaya and doing a special screening of The Lorax, or whatever it is people do at tree funerals, disgusting tweets were found, such as “If oak trees can marry each other, what’s next? Aloes calling themselves boysenberries?” and “gay ppl weird lmao” that the tree wrote back in 2015. These tweets were still up on its profile, raising the question: does this tree even deserve to be mourned? At the risk of editorializing, this reporter personally has no sympathy. I mean really, being homphobic in 2022? It’s as though the world has been moving forward, and this tree has been standing still. 

The college was quick to issue an apology that read:

We at Pitzer College would like to apologize for celebrating the life of such a problematic figure. We had no knowledge of the tree’s views, as it had remained largely silent during its tenure on this campus. Support resources are available for any students who wood like them.

Then, a second email:

*Would. My deepest and most sincere apologies. 

Hopefully the tree is becoming toothpicks as we speak. 


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