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Pitzer Postpones Witch Burning Ritual Due to COVID Concerns

 

Claremont, CA – Pitzer College Dean of Students (DOS) announced Thursday that the school’s witch-burning ritual would be moved to a later date, citing an uptick in the campus’ positivity rate. Initially scheduled for the last weekend of April, the ceremony came about after students raised concerns regarding the presence of suspicious and even downright cancelable behavior on campus.

After a thorough investigation, which evaluated factors such as buying a single-use water bottle, shaving armpits, and appreciating a for-profit company, the school’s Administration announced that they had identified four students they believed to be witches. However, DOS was careful to not rule out the possibility that there could be more. The four identified students are currently being held in the basement of Grove House under 24/7 surveillance.

Pitzer’s Administration plans on constructing the burning stakes using fallen Pomonian trees and plastic forks from McConnell. Construction on the stakes was slated to begin on the mounds on Monday but was met with strong student opposition.

“I think it’s incredibly irresponsible to brutally burn people at the stake right now,” says Zeus Ottomere, PZ ’24. “What if we get Omicron? We gotta trust the science, even when it comes to condemning witches to the depths of hell.”

Senior Purell Laika agreed. “Compromising campus safety simply to dispose of some witches through an archaic ritual is a slippery slope. After two years of our college experience being impacted by the pandemic, the last thing we want to do is risk another outbreak. Plus, it would be unfair to all the students currently in quarantine to hold this event without them. Trust me, witch burnings over Zoom are ass.”

Others disagreed with the move. “I mean, as long as the witches are masked and vaccinated, everything should be fine, right?” argued Peter Butane, PZ ’25.

DOS initially resisted postponement, stating they wanted to get the witches off their hands as soon as possible but eventually caved to student demands. “We recognize the importance of maintaining a safe and inclusive environment as we navigate the perils of the pandemic. We will proceed with the ceremony once we believe it is safe,” DOS said in a student-wide email. “But if one of you gets cursed, don’t fucking blame us.”

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