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Pitzer Sophomore Preaches Amazing Health Benefits of Veganism, and Cocaine


*The Golden Antlers sat down with Pitzer sophomore Nico Moses, a self-proclaimed health and lifestyle guru, this week to discuss tips and tricks to maintaining a healthy lifestyle at the 5Cs*

Golden Antlers: So, Nico, thank you so much for sitting down and talking about your lifestyle and choices with us. We understand that your time is very valuable, and we won’t try to waste it.  With that said, what are the biggest health concerns you see weighing down your classmates?

Nico Moses: Well, here at the 5C’s I see way too many of my friends ruining their bodies, stuffing their faces with processed sugar, saturated fat, even— and I can barely bring myself to say it— products of animal suffering! I’ve decided that my body, a temple, deserves better. We all deserve better.

GA: Yeah, that’s really interesting. So, what are some of the things you eat to preserve your health?
Moses: Well, you can’t go wrong with a strong green tea in the morning, chia seeds for lunch, and a yerba mate organic soup blend (patent pending) to round out the…excuse me…

GA: Um, what are you…oh, you’re vaping. Cool, uh…fruity. Maybe onto another topic. I hear lots of health professionals talking about the importance of maintaining regular exercise routines.  Would you agree with them?

Moses: Oh yeah, I’m a BIG believer in healthy mind, healthy body. Personally, I like to jog as soon as I wake up, preferably barefoot so I can connect with mother nature. Then I have a late-morning yoga session, supplemented by afternoon meditation and an evening acid trip.

GA: That’s fasci…wait, what?

Moses: Yeah, I see way too many of my friends just lying around all day, never really moving unless they have to so they can click next on their Netflix queue. Don’t they know their body is a wonderland? The sedentary lifestyle is a silent killer, man. I guess my mission here is just to inspire the modern generation to get active and expand their minds.

GA: Hm, that’s interesting. Aside from the importance of mindful eating and keeping active, is there anything else you consider crucial to maintaining a healthy lifestyle?

Moses: Yeah, one thing that I just can’t stress enough is sleep. You gotta get those nine hours. I see so many college students getting five or six and then caffeinating themselves to an absurd level. It’s horrifying. Don’t they know what that stuff will do to you? Constantly being so wired all the time it’s like they don’t even care about their health…wait, hold on, this has been going on a while and I’m getting a bit antsy. Give me a minute.

GA: Oh yeah su… wait is that cocaine?! We’re in the Motley— do you really think this is appropriate?

Moses: Yeah, you want some? It’s just a little pick-me-up. I’ve been reading a lot about macrodosing lately.
GA: No, thanks…So I thought maybe we could wrap up this interview, quickly, with a discussion of the dangers of falsely luring health supplements. What do you think are the be – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, HEROIN?! You’re seriously shooting up heroin right now, I cannot believe— uh, are you okay? Uh, hello? Hey, can you help me out here?! I really don’t think this guy is okay, wha— [illegible]


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