Pitzer Sophomore Struggling With Beastiality Receives Support Animal

 

After 3 years of therapy for his recurring beastiality urges, Pitzer sophomore, Gregory MacIntyre, received approval for his own support cat: Jenkins. Gregory hand-selected Jenkins, an orange tabby, from the ASPCA shelter. He says the selection process took 3 months, as he had to ensure “the redhead vibe was right, y’know?”

Claremont students have expressed concern for Jenkins’ safety, but Gregory’s “basically real therapist” from Monsour assures the public that Jenkins is perfectly safe with his owner. His “therapist” issued the following statement:

“The best form of treatment is exposure. You hear that all the time in intro psych. You have to be exposed to the stimulus in order to overcome it. According to Freud, without exposure, the patient will inevitably act out their subconscious impulses…” This portion of the interview has been removed for containing a far too graphic and detailed explanation of Freud’s theory. But the interview ended with, “More exposure, the better.” This statement was corroborated by several intro psych students who can confirm they have heard the term “exposure” used in class.

While that was enough for the Pitzer administration to approve Gregory’s forms, Pitzer students remain baffled. A peaceful protest has formed outside of Gregory’s dorm, equipped with 4 stereo systems that play Sarah Mclachlan’s “In the Arms of an Angel” on repeat 24/7. Neighboring residents say this form of protest is “depressing” and has “led them to adopt 30 ASPCA animals out of sadness.” Gregory is now surrounded by animals at all times, which he says is “a big dream come true.” Sources confirm that Gregory has also stopped his therapy sessions. His “therapist” issued the following response upon hearing he would not be returning for further sessions: “Well, fuck.”

This ordeal has grabbed the attention of PETA after one of their interns saw posts about it on Facebook instead of doing whatever the fuck PETA interns are supposed to be doing. While their original plan to mail Gregory boxes of cat feces backfired (apparently he’s into that), PETA is now considering taking legal action against the Pitzer administration. The administration cannot revoke approval of an emotional support animal, but they have offered to allow Jenkins the cat to receive a support animal of his own, Jenkins Jr.

Meanwhile, this news has prompted several closed door meetings between Gregory MacIntyre, PetCo, and PornHub executives, but the Golden Antlers cannot legally reveal any further information about this without partaking in insider trading… it’s cat porn.

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