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Pitzer Student Discovers Water


Pitzer Junior Jack Burgess has made a monumental discovery for the Pitzer community. Last night, he encountered a very wet and transparent substance for the first time ever in his life. Its texture was clean; it literally slid right through his fingers and tell to the ground in much smaller proportions. It was nothing like anything he had ever seen, touched, or experienced. While not foreign to most, Burgess has never come across what most know as water.

The discovery came after Burgess’s roommate, Peter Jackwells, PZ ‘21, was taking artistic, nuanced images of himself smoking out the suite bong in the bathroom and accidentally bumped into the shower dial. 

“I always thought that the white, cage-like structure with a phallic, metal probe sticking out from the wall was just a set for experimental films that explore the relationship between the human body and institutionalized systems of oppression,” Burgess told the Golden Antlers. “However, now that I know that this clear liquid can be distributed through this magical box, it changes everything.” 

Since the initial discovery, water has been making giant waves on Pitzer’s campus. Reports have already indicated that over 67% of students have taken their first shower, while the other 33% are testing the new substance on plants and animals before trying it themselves. 

Students have also found innovative ways to implement H₂O into their daily routine. Simone Aldred, PZ ‘23, told the Golden Antlers, “I’ve already started using it in my bong. I’m so glad that I don’t have to use sink milk to take a fat rip anymore. It’s crazy that nobody here knew about this liquid thing before.”

This Sunday, Burgess will speak to the Student Senate in an effort to make water more accessible to the student body. He told us: “I’m so excited about this discovery, and we should try to use up every drop of it that we can. Can you even imagine what else water can do for our community?”


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