There are certain staples of Pomona College of which its students are eternally fond. Squirrels, snack, PGPs, and enforcing political correctness on Yik Yak are all integral parts of the Pomona student’s experience. There are, however, a few things which have undoubtedly overstayed their welcome. The Pomona College ants are certainly not new to campus. It would appear, though, as if they have returned this spring with an emboldened attitude. A Pomona junior, who wished to remain anonymous, described a recent encounter with the ants. “I was just, like, sitting in the grass, doing my Soc reading, and suddenly there was one just, like, on my ankle. Like who does that? Did it ask for my consent? I flicked it off and continued reading, but suddenly there were three on my inner thigh. Honestly, I hadn’t felt so violated since last TNC at CMC.” Her friend, also a Pomona junior, was too shaken to comment. Several solutions have been proposed, including but not limited to: spraying the entire campus with organic Raid made by the women at the local rehabilitation facility (when proposed at a 5C student forum, all representatives from Pitzer College proceeded to faint); creating a smaller, ant-sized subculture at CMC where the ants will be free to continue their unwarranted touching and misguided wandering (when proposed at the aforementioned forum, a representative from CMC was overheard saying “shit, I need to print smaller business cards”); and making it mandatory for all Pomona ants to undergo TealDot training (this proposition was received relatively positively, though there was some grumbling from a Scrippsie about “the patriarchy” and “heteronormativity.”) Ultimately, the solution remains undecided. In the meantime, Pomona students are being encouraged to embrace the ants. Dean Jan urged students to “walk a mile in their shoes” and try to “see the world from their perspective.” Consequently, Dean Feldblum was overheard last week asking students to stop crawling on all fours and to please return to class. We’ll be accepting prospective solutions at email@example.com.