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Pomona First-Year Discovers That LA is Actually Nearby and That That’s Where the Train Goes

 

In a discovery that has #shook the Claremont Colleges to its core, Pomona College first-year Frank Forlyfe has discovered that Pomona College is a mere thirty-three miles from the coastal city Los Angeles. The discovery came after Forlyfe and his friends were “sick of those smoothies at Collins being the highlight of their Saturday” and actually decided they would go off campus for once. The decision to leave the Claremont Bubble™ has deftly pushed Forlyfe’s friend group up one or perhaps even two rungs of the social ladder.

As has been established in The Claremont College’s lore, it has long been rumored that there is a train near Pomona’s South campus. Residents of Wig Hall have been documented complaining about a train since 1993, but no one has listened to their poor, desperate pleas for help because they live in Wig and who gives a shit about Wig am I right? Ayo. Up top.

On Saturday the 28th of April at 12:07PM, however, Forlyfe has discovered that there is indeed train tracks approximately fifty feet from Wig Hall. In what he calls “the most daring and independent thing [he’s] ever done,” Forlyfe took the train without knowing the end destination. This was especially daring for Frank because he didn’t know if his parents had wired him enough money to get an Uber back to campus for when he gets scared. What Forlyfe didn’t know was that this train took him right into the heart of Downtown L.A.

The discovery has rocked students of the colleges. Chenandler Bong (PZ ‘19) told the Golden Antlers that, “now I can finally see my estranged brother who goes to USC.” Maria Smith told the GA that, “now I can set my Tinder range to forty miles and find some Hollywood exec sugar-daddy to fund my humanitarian aid trip to Turks and Caicos.”

Metrolink has especially benefited by the discovery. They project that, now that Claremont students have discovered Los Angeles, their average traffic from the Claremont station should rise to about three people per week.

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