Kevin Lock CMC 23’ returned to Green Acres Preparatory School for Kids Who Have Money for SAT/ACT Tutors Academy this past Monday after a weekend filled with the zaniest drinking stories his buddies have ever heard. Kevin arrived on CMC’s campus with the expectation that he’d get plastered with the bros and he wasn’t let down in the slightest.
Lock describes it as “one of the best nights of my entire life, I don’t think anything will ever top it. I know that college is going to be where I start peaking in life.”
After receiving an opening speech that actually just an audio book reading of a monologue in Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, Kevin was ready to meet his host, a double major in PPE and Economics. After hearing talk of a mythical TNC occurring that night, Kevin’s expectations for some legendary keg stands, Mo Bamba mosh pits, and half-naked babes soared higher than the totally cool white phallus outside Collins that he find oddly comforting.
Although Kevin’s host had an essay due the next day and needed to stay in to work, Kevin graciously accepted the craft brews he offered. Excitement was racing through Kevin’s mind as he sipped on some Natty Lights and sat on the beanbag that would be his bed for the night. After a day of telling people where he was from and explaining that he actually applied to Stanford EA, but after getting rejected he decided to apply to CMC for ED2, Kevin was ready to call it a night.
Coming back from CMC feeling like he was on top of the world, he beckoned his high school peers to huddle closely around him at the lunch table as he had a story to tell. Friends marveled at his experience and were stunned at how incredible his new maroon sweatshirt looked. “Yeah, I was totally buzzed” relayed Kevin. Although Kevin was sold on the program early on CMC sweetened the deal by adding Tropical Lei coupons to their Prospective Student Package (which normally just includes a portfolio of Hiram Chodosh at his Cancun beach house). “Coupons are for closers” the attached note said. And Kevin is a goddamn closer.