While we normally love the sound of a good mucus-drenched cough—especially if it sprays a little—coughing during this fucking pandemic has the potential to destroy your reputation. Here is a list of strategies to minimize the chances of social suicide.
- Pull the fire alarm.
- Pretend to be choking so that someone does the Heimlich maneuver on you (if you’re going through a dry patch, try to get someone to do mouth-to-mouth just to feel something again). it is recommended that you put something in your mouth so that you can spit it out after a few thrusts to make it more convincing).
- Do a backflip as you cough to distract people from the cough itself.
- Clear your throat really loudly, stand up, put your right hand over your heart, and sing the national anthem as patriotically as you can.
- Growl fiercely at someone (this also helps assert your dominance in a variety of situations).
- Advertise yourself as having invented a new form of beat boxing that relies heavily on lower-throat guttural sounds.
- Cough dramatically, yell “AND SCENE”, bow, and walk away.
- Crouch in a corner and cough (while you’re there, be efficient and utilize that time to cry as well).
- Whip out your Kazoo and cough into it (they sound like shit anyways, a cough couldn’t make it sound that much worse).
- Jesus Christ just hold it in.
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