Pull the Fire Alarm and 9 Other Ways to Cover Up Your Cough in Public


While we normally love the sound of a good mucus-drenched cough—especially if it sprays a little—coughing during this fucking pandemic has the potential to destroy your reputation. Here is a list of strategies to minimize the chances of social suicide.

  1. Pull the fire alarm.
  2. Pretend to be choking so that someone does the Heimlich maneuver on you (if you’re going through a dry patch, try to get someone to do mouth-to-mouth just to feel something again). it is recommended that you put something in your mouth so that you can spit it out after a few thrusts to make it more convincing).
  3. Do a backflip as you cough to distract people from the cough itself.
  4. Clear your throat really loudly, stand up, put your right hand over your heart, and sing the national anthem as patriotically as you can.
  5. Growl fiercely at someone (this also helps assert your dominance in a variety of situations).
  6. Advertise yourself as having invented a new form of beat boxing that relies heavily on lower-throat guttural sounds.
  7. Cough dramatically, yell “AND SCENE”, bow, and walk away.
  8. Crouch in a corner and cough (while you’re there, be efficient and utilize that time to cry as well).
  9. Whip out your Kazoo and cough into it (they sound like shit anyways, a cough couldn’t make it sound that much worse).
  10. Jesus Christ just hold it in.


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