Now that the semester is fully underway, students at the 5Cs are increasingly realizing that the five different clubs they joined at Turf week because the food lines were ridiculously fucking long and there was nothing better to do are no longer worth showing up to. To help out, the Golden Antlers compiled a nifty, quick and easy “how-to” guide to dropping out of clubs at the 5C:
1.Ghost everyone in the club until they forget you were ever a part of the club in the first place
A time-honored classic, this method is an old but gold way to drop out of clubs at the 5C’s. Are you getting emails, texts or Facebook messages to remind you about the meetings? Simply leave them all unread—or if you’re particularly ballsy—leave them on seen so they really get the message. Sad/angry reacts only on all group Facebook posts.
Alternatively, do you keep awkwardly bumping into club members in the hall or in class? Just cough really loudly and pretend you can’t hear them every time they ask you about your attendance. Were any of your close friends part of the club? Do they keep pestering you to show up? Purge them from your friend group. You can always make new friends but you’ll never be able to get the time you wasted on all those 11AM-12 PM Friday meetings back. You get the idea.
2. Fake your own death
Don’t be afraid to have fun with this one. You can make it as low-key or elaborate as you’d like. Have a friend send everyone in the club an email letting them know of your untimely demise? That’s an option.
Painstakingly constructing a blood-spattered crime scene in your dorm-room, leaving cocaine traces and a pile of assorted weapons scattered around to implicate that you got into something way over your head and were violently murdered as a result? Also an option.
3. Construct an elaborate scheme to write a controversial article that—through a complex series of events—will get the members of your own club to turn against you and get you fired so that you can eventually be hired by the campus newspaper that you actually wanted to be part of in the first place.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory. On the plus side, the club you’re trying to drop does not have to be a real campus news organization—it’s actually unlikely that the plan would work if it was because damn that would be sketchy af if they pulled some shit like that.
However, the plan does require being part of the club for some amount of time, so keep that in mind when considering how long you’re willing to pretend you like them. To our knowledge, it’s never been done. But hey, if you actually pull it off, put it on your resume.
4. Drop Out
Transferring or legally changing your name is also an option. This one is also fairly effective at getting that CMC fuckboy to stop texting you.
5. Turn the club into your own personal group therapy sessions by venting to everyone in the group about your personal issues until they get tired of you and your issues and purge you
Not everyone wants to hear about your fucking problems Candice. We really don’t care if your professors assigned you three papers and a midterm all on the same week, Candice. Everyone and their mother is overwhelmed at this point in the semester and regretting the majority of their life choices dammit Candice you’re not special.
6. Stage a coup, take over the club, dissolve said club so you don’t have to go to the dumb meetings anymore
Bonus points if said club is the student government. Extra bonus points if it’s CMC’s student government. #DissolveASCMC