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Reasons Why You Think You’re Single at the 5C’s


Look, we know that a large population of people here binge drink because they are actually lonely on the inside, but would never admit that sober. You may be thinking, “Why can’t I find someone special here? I mean there’s over 5000 students here, I should be able to settle for at least one person.” Well, don’t fret any longer, the Golden Antler’s has compiled a list of why you think you’re single at the 5C’s.

  1. You worry you aren’t smart enough.
    • Honestly, almost everyone on these campuses is a genius in some ways, and fucking annoying about it. Get over yourself.
  2. You worry that you’re too smart.
    • Ibid.
  3. You worry you aren’t good looking enough.
    • Get rich, go to Seoul, and get reconstructive surgery on your entire misshapen face, or alternatively, lower your standards and get over yourself.
  4. You worry you aren’t funny.
    • Yeah, you’re not wrong. Get over yourself.
  5. You’re waiting to meet “the one.”
    • You’re in fucking college. Get over yourself.
  6. You worry it would take too much time from your studies.
    • Get over yourself, stupid nerd. Consistent sex>long term professional stability. Nerd.
  7. You’re asexual or aromantic.
    • Yeah yeah, well played.
  8. Because you got the reputation of being that fucboi that wears a Hawaiian shirt and then pees the bed mid-coitus.
    • Please stop. No one wants this.
  9. Every time you start getting close to someone you worry that you’re either going to emotionally cripple them or that they’ll eventually understand who you actually are and how you actually think, and subsequently lose interest and validate your suspicions that you’re a tremendously subpar person.
    • You’re probably right, but keep in mind that you likely don’t mean that much to most people. Get over yourself.


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