Content Warning: The following article contains mentions of The Student Life (TSL).
Back on the farm, Mama used to tell me that there’s only so far the mind can be pushed before it breaks. She was right, and I had to learn it the hard way. Let me start at the beginning: back in the Fall of 2018, I stepped through the glass gates to the offices of The
Stupid Student Life, the official failing New York Times of the Claremont Colleges. It would later become clear to me that that was the worst mistake of my life.
Out of fear of retribution, I shan’t name names, and I don’t want to dig too deeply into the horrors I witnessed during my two semesters as a writer and two as an editor. I can’t relive it. But there are three truly despicable experiences I wish to detail. The public deserves to know where the monsters are (they are at The Student Life, the official failing New York Times of the Claremont Colleges).
- The Tube
I was fortunate enough to only have to encounter the Tube during the latter two of my four semesters at the the TSL. On production nights, the editors and production assistants (who are there to rub people’s backs and cover Björk’s greatest hits) gather at the Tiny Students Life office to bid on Pete Buttigieg merchandise on eBay and assemble the weekly hard copy of the newspaper. During this frenzied period of up to twelve hours, no one is allowed to get up to use the restroom. Enter: the Tube.
The Tube is attached to a 1993 Dyson Vaccum (the DCO1, to be precise). This vacuum sits under the hodgepodge collection of tables, and when editors need to pee, the Tube is silently passed between laborers. This action is not without consequence. A stopwatch is started whenever editors use the Tube and stopped when their business is finished. At the end of the semester, the editor with the highest accrued amount of seconds is basted with the contents of the vacuum. This marinade is allowed to dry, and then the editor is burnt alive. This would’ve been me if one of my fellow editors (rest in peace Beth Anne) had not gotten a urinary tract infection and beaten everyone by four minutes.
- My Creative Process
I’m often asked by friends: “Eamon, why are some of your articles such dogshit trash terrible garbage collections of vaguely coherent buzzwords?” My response to that is the truth, which is that the perpetually wet paint in The Shouldn’t Life office creates a perma-high for all of the writers and editors. This allows TMZ editors to work without stopping for long periods of time but also causes terrible hallucinations, which is the reason for this article I wrote and this article I wrote and also this article I wrote plus this article I wrote and also this article I wrote.
- How TSL lost Bernie the 2020 Presidential Election
In February of 2019, TSL interviewed alleged homosexual and Choo Choo Train Expert “Pete Buttigieg” when he visited Scripps. A year later, Poot won the Iowa caucus. I know for a fact that TSL is the reason Paul won the caucus because at the Scripps event, I saw a high-profile TSL editor look Pam straight in the eyes and say “Pepe, if you don’t win the Iowa caucus, I will shoot you until you are dead with a gun.” Someone as fragile and delicate as Punani could never win the caucus without that motivation. Because Prog won the Iowa caucus, Bernie Sanders lost. And since Bernie lost the Iowa caucus, the Democratic Party chose (Content Warning: Joe Biden) J*e B*den to be their nominee. So much for free press.
My experience at TLC was harrowing, to say the least. But it did teach me the value of the quiet reflection one can experience during their eighth visit to urgent care for a DUI, I mean UTI. There’s a point, where one is sitting there, coated in sweat and official TMI merchandise, that you realize what is truly valuable in life. It isn’t the free press. It’s the inner knowledge that acclaimed girlboss Ghislaine Maxwell’s sister attended Pitzer College. If she was able to succeed without TSL post-grad, so can I.