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Report: Josh Already Really Fucked Up, Won’t Make it to Toga Party


North Quad, 9:47 PM — Josh is already really fucked up and won’t make it to Toga Party. Bystanders report that he went too hard during rage cage after one of “the most intense games of beer pong ever played.” Josh says that he hit two redemption shots, but no sources can support these claims.

Following The Rage, Josh then succumbed to peer pressure and did, like, three shots of tequila in a row because some guys told him he would be a “pussy” if he didn’t. He was also seen chugging lots of jungle juice, so there’s that to account for as well. While chugging, Josh spilled bright red jungle juice all over his Stag-patterned toga. He was sad about it for a second, but then “Mo Bamba” came on and he started chest-bumping his boys and forgot about the stain. 

He is currently drunkenly walking around yelling “hail Caesar” to anyone wearing a toga, which is literally everyone at this pregame. People are getting annoyed. 

Josh was also previously spotted yelling at some girl, claiming he wanted to be her “dude who wasn’t Caesar who dated that hot chick from the place with the fucking mummies.” He was probably trying to do a Marc Antony/Cleopatra bit but was too fucked up to remember his eighth-grade history unit on Ancient Rome.

Maybe if he has some bread and chugs a lot of water he’ll sober up and be able to make it out to the party.

Update 10:28 PM: Nevermind, Josh is now lying on the ground outside Appleby, covered in a combination of dirt, jungle juice, and puke. He’s definitely not making it to Toga. Maybe next year.


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