Report: Not Just CMC Men Are Shitty


Newly released federal reports indicate that while men who attend Claremont McKenna College in Claremont, California are still really shitty, new sources demonstrate that other men are actually just as shitty. In fact, oftentimes, they are more shitty: the reports have proven that regardless of whether a man attends Claremont McKenna, Pitzer, Pomona, or Harvey Mudd College, he has an equivalent potential for shittiness. 

The comprehensive report took several factors into account when analyzing shittiness across schools. The most statistically significant variable for predicting shittiness was “willingness to reciprocate,” with roughly 94 percent of respondents claiming, “I’m pretty sure girls don’t even like head.”

While Claremont McKenna has historically been renowned as the “bro” school, this outward appearance only serves to elevate the status of men at the other colleges. Men who attend Pitzer College are often labeled as “sensitive,” while men at Pomona are deemed “intellectual,” and men from Harvey Mudd are seen as “studious.” However, the studies revealed that these labels and shittiness are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they overlap at astounding rates, surpassing a majority.

Dr. Emily Stevenson, one sociologist involved in the study, went so far as to claim, “for years, CMC students have faced unequal discrimination. I’m not saying they’re good or anything, but comparatively, they’re exactly the same.” Reporters later confirmed that Dr. Stevenson’s husband went to Pitzer. 


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