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Report: One Of Our Writers Won’t Stop Telling People His Parents Met On Datamatch And We Can’t Find Him Anywhere.

We got this picture from The Claremont Independent,
 

Have you seen this man? He writes for us and we tried messaging him on Aim, Kik, and What’sApp but he’s not answering any of our messages! We’re getting a little bit worried about him because he keeps telling people his parents met on Datamatch, but he was born in 1978 (we think, he looks about 43?) and Datamatch wasn’t started until at least a year or two after that probably.

We think he was staying in North Dakota or something and nobody’s on campus anyways, you probably haven’t seen him. But maybe you have? We have a lot of followers on Instagram now so there’s a chance you have. We get it if not though! Seriously, it’s okay. We’re just a little worried about him.

The last time we heard from him, he said something about wanting to write for Those Silly Liberals (TSL) at any cost. We all laughed at his funny joke and now we feel bad. If you’re out there, we promise we’ll let you write a “controversial” op-ed if you come back.

If you see him, please contact the women’s rugby team because they’re really intimidating and they’ll probably tell him to stop running away and spreading lies and deceit. It’s the only way he’ll listen. He lied and we’re really sorry about that but we’re here to set the facts straight:

  • We all met on Datamatch. That’s why we started The Golden Antlers. Duh.
  • The SL won’t tell you this, but so did Adam and Eve. And Adam and Steve! We are a lot of things but we’re not homophobic.
  • Actually, Eve and Steve did too, but they don’t really like to talk about that.
  • We did all the matching by hand. Sorry you had to find out this way. If the matches were bad it’s because our hands got really sweaty and the pen might’ve slipped.
  • The article said that our writer was his parents first son when in fact, he was their seventh. To Rich, Mike, Clark, Stu, Garfunkel, and Spork, we offer our sincerest apologies.
  • Data science has actually shown that it actually takes thirteen questions to determine compatibility, not twelve. This might have messed with your results, especially since there were twenty questions.
  • Datamatch reposted the article because when they saw the article they said “oh my god, this is crazy!” to us we just kind of laughed and said “haha, right?” We were embarrassed and we didn’t want to admit that our writer ran away. We feel really bad about it now. 
  • There’s Some Lasagna! (TSL) won’t tell you this but they just redit their mobile website and it actually looks very professional! Please don’t tell them we said that.
  • We would never do anything like this for publicity. This was not our intention. It actually really hurts our feelings that you would think that.

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