On Wednesday night, for the first time since Reagan announced his candidacy for the papacy, the CMC power grid spontaneously short-circuited as the student body allegedly turned on 1,083 televisions simultaneously at 5pm.
“Today is a date which will live in infamy. We had been warned by the grounds crew that this sort of catastrophe might happen,” stated one Story House employee, comparing the tragedy to the infamous 2001 rolling blackouts that prevented students from having economics-department-sponsored viewing parties for the Enron financial collapse. “We weren’t prepared for the power surge caused by televising a debate in Colorado.” It appeared that the power surge may have been exacerbated by, contrary to the laws of physics, the television cameras straining to see the candidates onstage through “particulate matter produced by collegiate audience members.”
The University of Colorado at Boulder was the location on which the 12 most wrinkled men in the Western hemisphere, what appears to be an orange toupee-wearing mop, and Carly Fiorina, the Oprah of the DoD and Herald of the 6th Fleet, converged to debate whose face was worthy of the American people’s vote. During the debate, candidates’ words seemed to hang in the air, much like the thick green haze that basically covers Colorado at this point.
In a mass exodus from Collins dining trough, students made the hajj to the nearest television in hopes of glimpsing Jeb Bush rewind the clock 107 years to his mile-high status in high school. “When you exalt in the book of Jeb and George, you too will be saved,” said one CMC freshman, froth forming on his lips as his friends carried him to bed. RAs reported several incidents of first year students having fits of conservatism after not blinking during the entirety of the debate. “We’ve had a spike in transportations to the TSL to rebalance their internal liberal levels,” said one RA. “We’ve heard reports of students wandering toward the magnetic attraction of the Kravis Center.”
Dorm presidents provided reports of the students experiencing epiphanies upon realizing that a candidate was, in fact, their spirit animal. “Mike Huckabee simply embodies everything I want to be in life,” said an anonymous sophomore, his body convulsing. “He made some very salient points about the linkages between ISIL and Planned Parenthood.”
As the debate ended, students from the other 5Cs reported hearing shrieks of anguish from the campus. “We recognized that pitch of scream immediately,” said upperclassmen at the other 5Cs. “I remember it from 2008 when Palin was chosen as McCain’s running mate. It was as though their reason for existence had dissolved.”
Later that night, in the aftermath of the power outage, students could be heard begging each other to read Antonin Scalia’s most famous decisions by candlelight.