Citing lack of enthusiasm surrounding the opening of the Roberts Pavilion, Claremont McKenna College announced today that, just in time for the beginning of the semester, the $50 million space will be converted into the Roberts Center for the Performing and Visual Arts. While there are early reports of dismayed reactions from the handful of ‘Stegs’ who participate in organized sports, the announcement was met with overwhelming support from both students and alumni, and at least a few spontaneous acoustic guitar performances from those guys everyone hates. “It’s about time, you know?” said Billy Vacation, a junior Fine Arts major concentrating in Theory of Flute, “The administration tried to do something for these minority students on campus [the athletes], but I’m glad they realized that their main focus should be on supporting us, the artists, the real movers and shakers around here.” Dean Sandra McSpoogle explained some of the specifics of the recently approved space conversion: “We’re very excited. I think we’re going to turn the basketball field – it’s called basketball, right? – into a new music hall,” she said with a glint in her eyes, probably already imagining all the nearly incomprehensible art pieces soon to line the walls in place of pictures of past CMC coaches, “And we think the locker rooms could easily be retrofitted into classrooms for the instruction of anything from Baroque composition to the History of Jazz – if we can find a space big enough to hold all the students who will want to be in that class!” But it won’t just be students of the performing arts that are given access to the space. “For our pottery students, we’re very excited to announce the imminent opening of the Spellman Hall of Molds, a safe space for sculptures of all shapes, sizes, and colors,” McSpoogle beamed. “We’re so excited,” she continued, “to finally see our donors money go to some good use around here! I can’t wait to see all the art and music to come. Except for the a cappella groups. Fuck them.” As of press time, it is rumored that the CMC Board of Trustees is also considering allocating $1.50 for the establishment of a resource center for students of color, but they do not yet want to make any promises that may end up being financially unfeasible.