Early this week the founding director of the Rose Institute of State and Local Government, David Alan Heslop was sentenced to 21 months in prison by a federal court for conspiracy to commit bribery and “for his role in a kickback scheme to defraud the Twenty-Nine Palms Band of Mission Indians.” This, surprisingly, was not a concept invented by Golden Antlers writers and is, in fact, a real thing that actually happened. Ever since the GA editorial staff came to the conclusion that jokes poking fun at the corruption of various school officials and students were overdone, the writers have shied away from such low hanging fruit. And then, of course, Heslop was apparently not content with 99.99% of the continental United States and, déjà vu, a white man tried to steal more from Native Americans.
According to news sources, Heslop will soon face a restitution hearing to determine how much he must pay back to the tribe. Meanwhile, here at The Golden Antlers, we’re just relieved that we finally figured out what the fuck the Princes and Thieves were really up to. A representative from the Rose Institute declined to comment, but rumors abound that Rose Institute employees and scholars alike are “just really fucking pumped to finally be newsworthy.” Heslop has been released on bail and is suspected to be hiding out up on the fourth floor of Kravis. You know, because no one else has access there.
– Dante Toppo CMC ’15, Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Haley Patoski CMC ‘14 with contributions from Aseem Chipalkatti CMC ’15
– Concept by Sarah Servin CMC ’15
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