The latest news in a recent string of conflicts between the Claremont McKenna College administration and the student body took place Saturday morning in the hallowed halls of the campus’ Athenaeum as Deans Spellwoman and Voss shut down the Roundtable on CMC Social Climate that was recently organized by concerned student leaders. Around 11:07 the campus-wide discussion was declared an “unregistered event” by the deans.
After confiscating all the wine, cheese, and chocolate-covered strawberries “for evidence,” the deans demanded that students return to their dorm rooms immediately and “think about what [they’d] done.” Students who were reluctant to leave were driven off the premises by North- and Mid-Quad RAs bearing maroon & gold bullwhips which were, of course, sponsored by the Kravis Leadership Institute. The Dean of Students Office’s official report on the night’s event, quickly released by Jim Nauls, explains “WE’RE JUST NOT CONVINCED [SOCIAL] CLIMATE CHANGE IS EVEN HAPPENING.”
Golden Antlers reports indicate all responsible parties are currently facing punishment by the college. Recently-inaugurated President Hiram Chodosh has been J-boarded for using his Listserv to publicize the event with a colorful email entitled “THIS IS THE ROUND TABLE INFORM.” ASCMC President Gavin Landgraf is also facing grave punishment, merely for being within 500 feet of the illicit event. Landgraf, despite facing both expulsion and jailtime, released a statement saying “I wholeheartedly support the administration’s decision to J-board, water-board, or otherwise punish me.” Dean Spellwoman called Landgraf’s unwavering support of the Dean of Students Office both “touching” and “ an unbelievably bad call.”
Despite being several thousand miles away in rural Tanzania giving inoculations to refugee orphans, Mark Blumanfeld too was J-boarded, making Blumanfeld the first official double-J-board recipient (or, if you will, Mark was J-J-boarded). When asked for a statement Blumanfeld replied simply. “God dammit guys. God. Fucking. Dammit.”
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15 with joke contribution by Ender Wiggin CMC ’15, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, and Sean McQueen CMC ’13