A new semester at the Claremont Colleges means new classes, new school supplies, and new sources of sexual hope and inevitable despair. Students across the 5C’s are preparing their new Slutty Insert-Party-Theme costumes for this weekend, updating their Tinders with new vacation pics, and employing the beginning of the semester’s most important online dating tool — the Sakai roster.
For a few weeks at the beginning of each semester, Sakai rosters become the third-most popular tool (after straight vodka and “a private party… back in my suite…” ) for getting laid on campus. “My strategy is to sign up for 5 or 6 classes at registration time, then drop the ones with the fewest potential lays when the rosters come out,” said CMC junior Peter Davis. “I Facebook stalk everyone listed on the roster, calculate how many girls I would be willing to sleep with (most of them), how many I think would be willing to sleep with me (very few), and then decide whether or not to stay in the class.”
Rosterbating replaces even Tinder-swiping as Claremont’s favorite way to meet new people to mash crotches with. “I just get so tired of swiping through the same few guys on Tinder. I want to find someone new, someone I haven’t already met or gone on a date with or made out with at a party then ran away from when I found out he was an Econ major” said Scripps sophomore Hannah Purdue.
This spring was Scripps first-year Anna Mason’s first time rosterbating. “Last semester I only heard about rosterbating after the add/drop period was over,” said Mason. “Huge mistake – I ended up in a French lit class with all girls!” This semester Mason, a French and Gender Studies double major, is “sticking to STEM,” as she puts it, in hopes of meeting more eligible bachelors. The Claremont schools have been lauded for an increase in women in the STEM fields the last few years, likely due to rosterbating.
Mason offered her two cents for prospective rosterbaters adding “It’s important to test the waters of the mating pool by taking full advantage of each class’ built in Chat Room. Most students, to their sexual peril, ignore this fertile battleground.” The first-year lady explained, “Many college kids these days find it titillatingly flirtatious to exchange cheap pickup lines and quick dick pics under the scrutiny of, or to, their professor.”
Rosterbating is not without its risks, though. Claire Hoover, Pomona ‘15, experienced these dangers first-hand last year. “I got my hopes up over this really hot guy in my politics class, but he prematurely dropped the course before we even started.” Hoover was heartbroken. “I had to drop the class,” she said. “It was too painful.”
Sakai’s popularity as a dating tool only lasts a few weeks at the beginning of each semester. Once the add/drop period ends and rosters are set, students go back to their old methods — cleaning their rooms on Thursday evenings in hopes of getting laid at TNC, drinking until they’re brave or stupid enough to approach someone hot, and using the same unflattering suit photos for both Tinder and LinkedIn (Guys, you know that just because you’re wearing a suit, it’s not automatically a good photo, right?).
– Liat Kaplan CMC ’17 with comedic support from Jacksón Smith CMC ’18 and Anya Deering PZ ’18. Concept by Aseem Chipalkatti CMC ’15