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Scandal! A Capella Group Caught with Tiny Little Instruments Inside of Their Mouths

 

In one of the most shocking events of the a-ca-season, The 5c’s renowned a capella group, Best Upland-adjacent Tunes Troupe (BUTT), was found breaking the first rule of a capella: no instruments! Although it sounds like a capella groups use instruments, they actually don’t! It is just people in the group going “dooopity doo doopity doo” and they make it sound like a piano or something. This concept can be hard to grasp.

BUTT’s impressive performances caught the attention of CMC President Hiram Chodosh, who invited them to performat the exclusive California Club (California’s most exclusive club). “President Chodosh loves to hear us sing because we are the best group on campus. That’s why he invited us to the exclusive California Club, (California’s most exclusive club),” says a senior member of BUTT. “It’s cool because the club really allows us to up our game. They even let us use pyrotechnics, which we are still figuring out the mechanics of,” said the student as he rubbed where his eyebrows used to be.

The group’s performance was explosive, to say the least. “I was blown away,” said Chodosh. “The thing I like most about a capella is that all the work comes all from their mouths! No instruments at all!”

Yet later that evening, over the traditional California club dinner delicacy of lobster and poor people, Chodosh noticed BUTT’s first soprano choking. In a moment of pure heroism, the president aggressively heimliched the poor fellow only to find a strange object projecting out of his mouth. When he looked closely he realized that it was a tiny little violin.

Chodosh recounted, “My first thought was how cute and tiny and little it was! How did they make that! But my second thought was Saboteur! Pure a-ca-deception!”

After hiring the best private investigator in the a-ca-business (I’m pretty sure this guy even worked on the a capella gate scandal of 1965, you know the one), BUTT’s malpractice was uncovered. One member was caught with a little piano hidden away beneath their tongue, another with a small saxophone, and one even had a whole tiny little drumkit shoved into his left cheek. 

“Yes we had to shove tiny little instruments in our mouths,” a member of the group explained, “what more can I say it’s pretty self-explanatory” 

“I was utterly heartbroken to learn of this scandal, maybe even more than when I found out about what Lance did in the Tour de France,” says Chodosh. “In retrospect, it explains why I had such an emotional reaction to the Viva La Vida performance, those damn tiny little violins.” 

In what is chalking up to be the biggest liberal arts a capella scandal of the decade, the a capella ethics subcommittee has decided that BUTT will face repercussions. After the motion for the stockade failed, the council decided that BUTT members are required to write  “I will NOT hide tiny little instruments in my mouth” on the chalkboard 100 times! Other punishments are yet to be reported. The committee is also running ongoing investigations of the other groups on campus. “We need to figure out who else is shoving tiny cute little instruments in their mouths, for the sake of a capella!” said the chair of the A Capella Ethics subcommittee.

So what does this mean for the future of a capella? Is it still possible to stand in a semi-circle and go “doopidy doo”? Can we still subtly color coordinate on performance day like we are Fifth Harmony at the Grammys? Are we able to take the Whitney Houston solo away from Roberta (who couldn’t hit a high C even if she tried)? The world may never know.

Monsieur Gustav Fabrizio, the owner of Monsieur G. Fabrizio’s emporium for Tiny Little Instruments, declined to speak with us.

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