A world of crime and hardship has invaded south campus as recently Alexis Simmons PO `21 was stopped by a group of “frightening young men” on his way to get Boba Thai Tea from Coop Fountain. “They were on me in an instant,” says Alexis, “I was forced to choose between bodily harm or buying off the attackers with root beer floats.” The event has shattered student’s perception of the so-called ‘bubble’ of Pomona College. “It finally feels like we’re in the real world,” an emotional Justin Meyers PO `22 let us know. “Nothing like this ever happened in my hometown of Cambridge” says Julia Campbell PO `20, “it just goes to show colleges like Pomona are far less privileged than institutions like Harvard.”
The brave reporters of the Golden Antlers set out to find Joey Hughes, local twelve year old townie and main suspect in the case. Found loitering outside of Yogurt Land on Indian Hill Boulevard, Joey simply said, “frick you” and ‘sent-it’ on his Razor scooter in response to our correspondent’s questions. Joey’s gang is notorious for intimidating Pomona students with MAGA hats and playing PokemonGo before it gets dark out around Marston Quad, where Alexis’ assault reportedly started. The self proclaimed “Scooter Squad” was spotted doing ‘sick tricks’ next to Walker Beach on the day of the incident as well.
In response, Pomona plans to offer the class “Ontology of Playground Bullies” next semester. “We will use a Foucauldian analysis of hierarchical power structures to determine how such heinous atrocities can occur in a modern society,” Professor Cindy Nowak said in a recent Senate Committee meeting about the class. The fifteen person seminar is expected to exceed 70 PERM requests next spring, as many students believe social inquiry will bring justice to thugs like Joey. Many young theorists are already writing about how Joey’s dope ass basement complete with an XBOX One enables his leadership position over peers within the crime organization.
The Golden Antlers wishes Pomona the best of luck in ending Joey’s violent influence on the community, and expresses solidarity for the football players whose scooters might be confiscated as a result of Camp Sec’s proposed ban on the mode of transport for evident safety reasons.
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