Scripps College Announces “Housing Games” in Attempt to Relieve Housing Crisis

Scripps College has announced a “Housing Games” starting Summer 2018 in order to start in its efforts to relieve in its ongoing housing crisis. Despite slashing acceptance rates for the incoming class of 2022, the offices of admissions and residential life, along with the Board of Trustees, decided it was best to “play it safe” by announcing this drastic measure.

“The concept of the Housing Games is simple,” Director of Residential Life Barbara Smith stated. “2 continuing students of each current residence hall and CGU, 2 continuing students that live off campus, and 2 members of the class of 2022 will be chosen at random in order to compete in the games. Over the summer, competitors will fight to the death in any possible Scripps environment, ranging from places like Dorsey Hall to the W. M. Keck Science Center. Whoever defeats their 25 other adversaries will prove that they are worthy of housing.”

According to an anonymous source, the lotteries for the Housing Games will take place on the Thursday before spring finals at different times at each dorm. Every resident will have their name entered in a pot where names are drawn by an administrative official. Any and all buildings that are Scripps property and CMS facilities are possible locations for the Games, including the possibility of opening up the whole campus as a means of location.

The president of the college announced that these games would continue so long as any possible remnant of a housing crisis seems to threaten the student body. When asked for comment, President Laura Williams simply said: “This is a punishment, a reminder. While we can hike up our acceptance as much as we please, students cannot simply choose to over enroll the way the Class of 2021 did.”

The Housing Games was one of many propositions introduced by administration in order to prevent another year of on-campus housing shortages. Other ideas included accepting 0 students for the Class of 2022, revoking all acceptances for the Class of 2022, or constructing a system of elaborate underground tunnels in which to house students.