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Scripps College Named Most Likely to Make You Cry Your Lonely Self to Sleep

 

Shortly following last week’s Buzzfeed list featuring Scripps College as the most beautiful college campus on which to get married, Scripps has once again topped the charts with a list released by ChristianMingle.com of schools “Most Likely to Make You Cry Yourself to Sleep Thinking About How You Will Die Alone.”

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stahp just staaaahhhhhppppp

“The constant onslaught of weddings and beautiful family portraits featuring children tossing leaves in the air and running around that place you threw up last Saturday night is enough to make you slit your wrists out of fear of never finding that special someone,” reads the explanation for why Scripps is number one.“While Claremont Men’s College has been named the ‘Happiest College’ by Patriarchy Magazine, Scripps students are lauded for their ability to whine in the smoothie line at brunch about the beautiful 8-person family that they just saw walking by the library AND the douche that dumped them for a Claremont High School Student before sighing loudly and pronouncing that they will die alone,” continues the explanation.

“Estimates show that 50 percent of Scripps students have already found their life partner who, according to a blood pact they made together, will help raise the sperm donor baby they will have if neither are married by the age of 40,” reads the explanation. “It is rumored that the school rule allowing all current students to get married on campus for free serves as a reminder for all Scripps students that they are lucky to get married before the age of 60, let alone while still a student at the college,” reads the explanation.

Although a few muffled shouts of “Fuck the patriarchy!” could be heard through the glass ceiling over Scripps, we assume we couldn’t get further student comment because Scripps students were too preoccupied with their majors in “BRB Crying about the Patriarchy” and “Husband Finding.”

President LBV, although a well-documented proponent of fucking the patriarchy, commented by saying, “Womyn, at this point we’re taking any number one ranking we can get,” before giving out a weak cheer of “We want more…weddings.”

With the irresistibly beautiful fall weather coupled with the literally infinite gardens and fountains at the Scripps campus, Golden Antlers analyst Nate Gold estimates that there will be approximately 500 weddings and “literally a gajillion” family portraits taking place on campus between Thanksgiving and finals week. Stock up on your tissues now; the Montclair and Upland Targets tend to run out around the holidays.

– Julia Colmnes SCR ’16

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