Fellas, we’ve all been there. You’re walking through Scripps College, the women’s college’s campus alone when suddenly, an all-consuming aura of queasiness possesses you. You feel a compelling urge to grab your keys and put them between your knuckles as if you’re Wolverine. You dial 911 on your phone and keep it open, just in case. You share your location with your friend and your mom and you hope, pray, that you’re alone and that the malicious, devious womxn of Scripps College won’t emerge from their watery, labyrinthine, Mediterranean style, lair with lots of really pretty flowers where they reside and present themselves before you.
I don’t know about you, but I personally believe that Scripps College should be a safe space for all. In fact, Scripps administration recently released their new IDEA initiative, committing themselves to “Creating a more inclusive campus climate at Scripps College.” It is a miscarriage of justice that Scripps students are allowed to persist, intimidate, and make me, a white man, feel uncomfortable to the point where I feel an inkling of a new emotion I’ve never experienced before but I believe is fear. And that’s why I propose the following: abolish all womxn from Scripps College campus.
This isn’t an issue for the right or the left, for one gender, for one race, or any other labels that differentiate us at a truly fundamental level. This is a bipartisan issue. This is undoubtedly the most pressing concern haunting the lives of really big strong men such as myself at the Claremont Colleges who are confronted with a stalking uneasiness that makes my giant penis quiver. We should all be in agreement here when I say we must cease to allow womxn on the Scripps College premises in so that we can collectively develop an environment where everyone, even underdogs like myself, can feel safe.
As long as Scripps College administration denies responsibility for my uneasiness and refuses to take action, I hope you will all join me in boycotting Scripps. Believe me, our presence will be missed so much that they will have to conform to our demands. Formally, I announce that we will refrain from hanging out with all the Scripps students who like us so much anyways in their dorm common rooms, studying meticulously in the Ella Denison Strong Library, picking roses for all our supportive friends in the rose garden, and simply admiring the natural beauty of Buzzfeed’s #1 most beautiful campus in America.
These pure, unadulterated wenches intimidate me for reasons I do not understand at a fundamental level due to my lack of emotional maturity so that means they must be abolished! I am presenting an incredible opportunity for us all to end the female gaze and feel welcome and safe. Frankly, it’s mind-boggling to me how anybody with an ounce of a moral compass could oppose this movement. Let’s band together and drain the feminist ratscape, once and for all. #EQUALITY4ALL
In Attempt to Teach the Admissions Office a Lesson, Registrar Says “Fuck It”
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