Historically marginalized ethnic group “Europeans” expressed incredible gratitude Thursday, when Scripps College finally renamed the extremely controversial Eurotrash Party. The new party name, Eurobash, is the first step in Scripps College’s long running campaign to end the systemic oppression of club-going Europeans.
By Europeans, we mean those from Europe who have been historically referred to as “white” rather than their preferred label: “European Americans.”
Replacing ‘trash’ with ‘bash,’ defined by the Oxford English Dictionary as “to strike hard and violently” was reportedly widely accepted by students who felt the title change more closely aligned to the historical record. The previous event title was considered culturally appropriative, with attendees arriving in caricatured costumes of extremely expensive designer clothing and wearing other traditional garments considered sacred to European-Americans, including tight pants, garishly large watches, and a sense of racial superiority.
Said one European-American student, “The most offensive part of the Eurotrash party is that it lumps all Europeans together. We may share a skin color, but we aren’t all the same! European trash is not a monolith. Europe is a continent composed of diverse types of trash. There are British chavs, French man-capri-wearers, and German dudes in mesh tank tops, just to name a few! I wish people would educate themselves and explore all the different varieties of European trash instead of assuming we’re all trashy in the same way.”
Euro-American students feel that this is especially harsh due to the cancellation of the White Party in past years. Junior James Edward Johnson XVIII claimed, “it feels like our culture’s need to exhibit poor taste in music, excessive drug use, and exorbitant wealth are being stripped away one by one.”
According to Scripps SAS President Alex Dumpkin,“ A lot of people think all we do is sit around all day, looking at our drought-causing landscaping, papier-mâché-ing our breasts, and smashing the patriarchy, but that’s not it!” Dumpkin continued, “In fact, Eurobash is just the start, but we can’t stop here– the next step is to convince the administration that we need a European Resource Center.” At the end of the day though, it was safety that motivated the decisions. These Euro-Americans reportedly protested past Eurotrash events by brutally enslaving a continent “as a symbolic demonstration of the oppression this slur contains.”
In a thank you note on behalf of all people from the country of Europe, Fritz Wolfgang Müller said thanked Scripps for allowing him to, “Disco, disco, party ya” without worrying about women’s colleges in the US mocking him. A representative from the Scripps Administration apologized in a school-wide email this morning saying, “I thought it was okay because I dated a white guy once.”
Ender Wiggin CMC ’15 with contributions from Frank Lyles PO ‘17 Liat Kaplan CMC ‘17, Sam Pitcavage CMC ‘15, Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15, Haley Patoski CMC ‘14, and Dante Toppo CMC ‘15