Just in time for the spring semester, as both the Classes of 2015 and 2018 begin longing for the simpler days, The Golden Antlers has a story sure to rock students’ preconceived notions harder than a PSU panel discussion on reverse racism. Gabby Mendel ’15 has come forward and admitted that, after three and a half years of attending Scripps College, she still has no idea who “patriarchy” is, or why everyone keeps talking about him so much. This announcement was met with shock and dismay by friends and professors alike.
Mendel, who, according to reliable enough sources, is most likely from the Midwest or somewhere like that, bravely asked an acquaintance in the Motley last week if they wouldn’t mind “actually defining patriarchy,” which kept coming up in a heated discussion nearby about ice cream at Collins. Witnesses to the event said that the following silence, resulting from a total lack of jingling mugs and soulful yet quirky acoustic music, was deafening. After a few moments, a bewildered barista was heard mumbling, “But…you took CORE, right?”
As Mendel attempted to explain herself to the crowd of increasingly contentious afternoon tea-drinkers, it quickly became clear that she was “completely clueless” about the meaning of ‘patriarchy’ or related terms. The peak of rowdiness in the cafe resulted when Mendel was exposed as an Econ major who had willingly taken a few classes at CMC. Upon receiving this information, Scripps president Lori Bettison-Varga immediately called in Campus Safety officers to keep the peace and, presumably, remind Mendel of the ways in which a man’s physicality can subdue a woman both physically and spiritually.
In the wake of the incident, already ironically referred to by some Pomona students as “Motley-gate,” the question on everyone’s minds was “How? How the fuck does this even happen?” One concerned student commented, “it really makes you question everything, you know? Like, does [Mendel] even deserve to have a plaster cast of her labia on display in the humanities building?”
“To be honest,” Mendel explained, “After a few weeks here, I realized that 95% of my conversations were following essentially the same script, so I just reposted the most recent Jezebel articles about Beyonce on Facebook and kept my head down.”
“The community of students and faculty here have been so supportive and…helpful since finding out about my situation,” she continued. “Really, really helpful. Frighteningly helpful. I don’t think I’ve ever been sent so many Buzzfeed articles. It’s great, everyone. I know what patriarchy is now, thank you – really. I’m going to go study now.”
Mendel is expected to receive a formal commendation in the next issue of the Claremont Independent and a formal condemnation from every other 5C news source, excluding of course your friends at the ever-objective GA.
The Patriarchy declined to comment for this story, but we’ll keep you updated as the drama unfolds. In the meantime, look for upcoming articles on the CMC alum enjoying his time in Teach for America, the Mudder with a passion for indie Russian snuff films, the Pitzer sophomore who just figured out what that sickly-sweet smell all over campus is, and the Pomona first-year unaware of white privilege.
– David Cremins PO ’18 with comic assistance from Clancy Tripp CMC ’15 and Victor Lopez CMC ’17
** Special congratulations to our newest Copy-Editor-in-Training Camille Croll HM ’18. U will be seeing a lot of her work in the future because the rest of us don’t know how to grammar good.