In an attempt to revamp COVID community protocols based on the latest and greatest scientific standards, Student Health Services has decided to implement a bold new testing strategy: a mother feeling your forehead with the back of her hand.
Scripps College Dean of Students has enjoyed the change. “This is much better than our previous protocol. It was a real struggle getting students to show up for their weekly testing commitment at all. But now, enthusiasm has shot through the roof. We have even had to turn back students from sneaking into the testing line for a second, third, or fourth forehead caress.”
The Pomona College COVID Task Force has been delighted by the efficacy of the mom’s back-of-hand-on-forehead-method.
“We have yet to spot a test result irregularity, such as a false positive. Mom just doesn’t miss,” admitted a baffled administrator.
At their latest board meeting, a vote was cast to expand upon the success of the new testing procedure. The vote passed unanimously, making available post-test amenities such as warm chicken broth soup made by mom, a jumbo size Cecil, and naptime. The Pomona College COVID Task Force would have sought to pass an even more ambitious policy package, but had to adjourn because it was naptime.
Students have also been elated by the testing change.
A freshman who had broken down into tears admitted, “I guess I just really missed my mom.” This freshman may or may not have been spotted commuting home to visit her mom each consecutive weekend since orientation. Hiram Chodosh, never the one to let the capitalist spirit waver, was promptly on the scene to collect the freshman’s tears in a glass jar.
A Pitzer student was relieved by the change. “Now that I no longer have to do a spit test, I will finally have enough saliva to try this reverse osmosis bong maneuver I was taught by this guy who sells spiritual excursions in Bali.”
And get a hold of this: last night the Golden Antlers received an anonymous tipoff from a whistleblower on Yik Yak about a plot to get students more mom. The clues led me to Harvey Mudd’s chemistry laboratories. I then conveniently found and hid behind an arrestingly titillating cardboard cutout of Google CEO Sundar Pichai with kiss prints all over it. From here I saw a group of HMC students huddled over a petri dish. It did not come as a shock to hear them conversing with each other in fluent binary and without use of intonation. After a while, they proclaimed: “A clone!” Right then and there my suspicions were confirmed. They had copied the mom DNA sequence and produced a doppelgänger.